Tag: BS

They say my personality has changed

I am told as of late that my personality has changed. I have become more irritable, a little shorter in temper, and I tend to say what needs to be said whether someone is ready to hear it or not.

I have a few different theories on why this is happening. Before I go on, I want to make it clear that I am making active strides not to evolve into a butthole in therapy as well. Just wanted you to know. Theory number one is that I battled not one but two cancers in the last three years. The most recent one was brain cancer for chrissake. Literally at one point in time not more than a year ago my brain was over half overtaken by tumor and swelling. I have to believe that that leaves some long-term changes behind, despite how far I have come from that point. I did a hell of lot of hard work, perserverence, suffering, and fear-battling in addition to battling the cancers. I was at everyone else’s mercy at any one point in time. A girl gets impatient with even the littler things after awhile because you just want something to go your way at some point. Things get out of proportion.

In terms of my second theory, I got put on Keppra for the intense seizure activity and I am still on it. Well I am here to tell ya the list of side effects from Keppra are like a mile long and a ton of them are psychological like depression, anxiety, and irritability. The term Keppra rage has been quoted to me by multiple patients. Ok, I am willing to admit that this could be a factor as well and I am hoping that my upcoming EEG will reveal that maybe I can start weaning off it since the reason I was put on it in the first place is not really valid anymore. Fingers crossed but no worries. I am not about to do anything stupid that would result in me not being able to drive or do anything for myself.

My third theory is that just maybe I have finally gotten old enough and have been through enough that I have lost the infinite patience I used to have for BS and crap. I just don’t feel like i have the time to deal with it anymore. This is not me saying I have decided to stop listening anymore. Absolutely not. I also realize that everyone’s perception of what is truly painful or impactful is very different. I know I have to allow for that variation.

The bottom line is I may in fact be a little crabbier and a little less tolerant, but I think it is all explainable. I am trying my best to remain myself and spread as much positivity, empowerment, and good into the world as I can. I can promise you I will faithfully keep up these efforts. Just bare with me for now if you could. I appreciate it.

Dr. Katz

The Things They Tell Ya

Boy oh boy. The things they tell ya as a patient. “You just concentrate on getting better.” “Don’t worry. We’ll take care of everything. It will all be ok.” Oh lord nowhere! Stop yourself before ever saying those words! These well-meaning phrases are truly sentimental BS at best. As good as they sound, nothing could really be further from the truth. If only it were that simple! When you are sick, there are many many things to consider besides just getting better. Do doctors hope that by saying that out loud that all other concerns will melt away? Do they think that all of your loved ones and coworkers will magically hear it and step up even more? Do they think that banks will easily forgive leases and loans that you can’t pay?

For me, I am still worried about taking care of my family. I am very fortunate with my home situation, but I worry about who is going to cook when I can’t or how school is going when I don’t have the energy to keep track. I worry about letting my patients down. I worry about my business surviving. I worry at every schedule change and how it inconveniences everybody. I worry about the medical bills. They have already topped 50,000 just in the first two months of this year.

The already potentially daunting task of fighting cancer would still be daunting if the only thing you had to worry about was getting better. It is ten times more so when you add in all the real life factors to the scenario. Here is my turn to wax hypocritical for a minute. Now that I have just completed my complaint streak and pronounced that advice as bogus, I am still not entirely sure that I want doctors to stop sayin it. By far the biggest part of me still thinks it’s a ridiculous statement that is very well-meaning but entirely unhelpful. And yet, sometimes when I hear it, I enjoy my momentary mental trip to fantasy land…wondering what it would be like if it were true. I guess what I am really saying is, at this point, I can appreciate the intention of saying it and we will just leave the factual aspect out of it…lol

Dr. Laura