Tag: chemo

The next scan is coming up…again

Guys, I can’t help it. There is like a little internal panic clock that starts ticking once I get within 2 weeks to a month of my next scan. I know they are all necessary. I also know that I have no concrete symptoms to tell me that anything is wrong. And yet, I still go off the rails somewhat. I swear to god I start having or making up some symptoms just due to anxiety. I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is true so I might as well admit it. I have gotten much better about calming myself down without pharmaceutical assistance tho, so that part is good.

Do any of you out there who have or have battled cancer before go through this? I know the answer is probably yes but I am just asking anyway. How do you deal with it? I am wondering to myself if it will ever go away. I have yet to actually make it to a 5 year post cancer mark with either of my cancers. I am almost there from my first cancer in 2021, but still not quite yet. It’s interesting that I hardly ever think about that one like it’s old news or something. It was still serious but very treatable. It’s almost as if the most recent brain cancer that I had overshadowed everything. Even tho it, too, was treatable thank goodness.

I have had many people tell me that I have no right to call myself lucky since I have had two cancers. I have had many people tell me that at least I had ” the good kind” of cancers. I am not always sure how to filter that input so I just end up smiling and nodding, and then walking in the other direction. As I have had time to think about it, I think that my own personal take on it is a combination of those two inputs.

Yes, I do think that I am lucky that I was able to successfully battle both of those cancers. I think of myself more in terms of a warrior than a survivor, because I do not think that my ongoing vigilance will ever truly be over. I will always have to be on the look out, recent stem cell transplant do over not withstanding. I know that sounds crazy to say and seems like I am not celebrating at all, but actually I am celebrating. I celebrate every single day the fact that I get to wake up in the morning, open my eyes and realize the world around me.

As far as the having the good kind of cancer part, I am not really sure what that would be. I do not think the words good and cancer belong in the same sentence. I would definitely go with the word treatable though. That kind of thinking sometimes sends me in the wrong direction. I start belittling the kinds of cancer that I had because I was able to conquer them when other do not. I know I shouldn’t do this. I realize that the battles I fought successfully were extremely difficult and that nothing should be taken away from them just because I survived. Each cancer battle is it’s own challenging and potentially vicious beast. The strategy that I have chosen to take when I find myself minimizing what I have been through is to throw myself into empowering, helping, and supporting others with cancer. I think it is my best strategy at this point.

So, to all of you out there who have battled, are battling, or know someone who is battling cancer, I sent out all my positive, empowering, and strategizing energy to you. If there is anything that you need or any way you think I could help, I will.

Have a fantastic day everyone.

Dr. Katz

At least I had a tangible enemy

Ok brace yourself. I am going to say something that is initially going to sound a little crazy, but just bear with me. I actually consider myself lucky that cancer was my battle to fight. I know a ton of people right now going through things with as yet discovered causes and no specific direction or plan. It is an awful way to exist. The discomfort, the suffering, the lack of answers, the whole nine yards. The fear of the unknown is a real thing. I think it literally is an impediment to healing.

I am hear to tell ya, that my cancer was no picnic. To say that I am lucky sounds ridiculous to say. I get it that I am not lucky that I had cancer, twice in two years. Yes I know. What I mean to say more purposefully is that at least my demon was described and known and right in front of me, allowing me to have a definite target to tackle. It was terrifying for sure, but at least I had the privilege of knowing what I was fighting. It intensified my focus and enhanced my hope that there might be an end to the tunnel. Everybody I know right now that is battling does not have a set enemy in sight and no specific plan. Bottom line, I am sending out the discovery and healing vibes out to everyone I know that is battling right now. I am here if you need me. I am here to help strategize. I am here to help if you want me to.

Dr. Katz

“You know you are not really out of the woods yet.  You still have to be careful.”

My first response to these loving words of protective advice is well….duh!!!! Do you honestly think I do not know that? Do you honestly think that I truly believe that my entire immune system has magically regenerated in just two to three months? I am here to reassure you that I don’t. I am still always careful. I know that I need to be. I’m not out there attending huge crowd events or stadium filled concerts. I know better.

However, it doesn’t mean that I have some random fomo moments. Actually they are not really fomo moments. They are actually just random blissful moments when I feel like I feel good enough to do something somewhat normal. That’s all they are. I am not actually going to rush out and do something ridiculous just because I mention an idea that just came into my head. Let me dream about it a second and allow me the time to process it and come to the correct conclusion on my own. I promise I won’t let myself or you down. I have come too far and worked way too hard to screw it up now. The crowds will always be there and hopefully I will too, when it’s safe and I am truly ready.

Thanks for listening guys.

Dr. Katz

Just inchin my way toward normal life.

So, tommorrow is a big day. I get to get my triple lumen catheter out ahead of schedule. What the heck is a triple lumen catheter you ask? Well I’ll tell ya. It’s a big central line catheter that goes right through your chest into your main veins and can deliver all kinds of chemo and poisons and fluids and you can draw labs off it. The nurses love them. It makes their lives a lot easier and it makes it easier on me with less pokes. There is only so much vein reserve I have left…lol. Gotta save some for later.

It also is a constant visual reminder that you have been through a lot of tough stuff…. but still got through it. It’s that “oh you were really going through somethin” visual reminder. I will not be sorry to see it go. Who knows? Maybe after that has been gone long enough I could even submerge in things like a hot tub again. OOh dare to dream. My dreams are big lately and I can’t wait to make them come true. Have a great day everybody!

Dr. Katz

It’s kinda interesting how much lower your expectations get the more crappy stuff that happens to you.

closeup photography of pink rose flower

So, we all know I have been through some significant battles and stuff lately. Brain cancer, stem cell transplant, cannon ball chemo etc. I remember the days when the stuff that used to get me excited was that I won a contest or some kind of award or something. I’m not saying that that occurred that often, just noting that it was more high-end traditional kind of stuff that got me going and motivated.

Well no more ladies and gentleman! Now, I am excited about things like sort of being able to taste my food for the day, swallowing without pain, going a day without diarrhea or nausea. I am excited that I am able to take some steps without extreme exertion. I am excited that my mouth is no longer full of sores. I am excited just to open my eyes every day. I am thrilled to be back home in my own bed. It’s these basic little things that no longer seem so little that really make my day. I know it sounds silly but I really am genuinely about the gratitude for any of even the smallest triumphs. I really didn’t ever take anything for granted before but I feel like that is even more true now. Just thought I would put it out there. We all have our struggles, but I think it is the effort we make to get through them and how our perception can change for the positive that makes the biggest difference in how things can turn out. Have a great day everybody!

Dr. Katz

OMG I might get to go home in 2 or 3 days

As you all know I am plodding and racing at the same time to complete my stem cell journey hospital stay portion. I have been putting my steps in, keeping mobile. Gobbling all the antibiotics for all the infections. Trying to stay moving as my hemoglobin drops in over half. Having diarrhea all the time. Trying to croak just days before. A lot has turned around in a fast pace (if you can call a whole month in the hospital fast). This is girl is super grateful and happy to be alive. That Is the main glowing thought on my brain right now. I am filled with happiness and hope. I can swallow and sort of taste food again. All wins.

Naturally my family is nervous about me coming home. They don’t want me to rush. I tell them not to worry. That is definitely not what is going on here. There has been no rushing. I have no great impetus to hurry home in a rushed fashion. Of course I would love to go home…when it’s safe. I told them we have to trust that my doctors aren’t just trying to get rid of me. We are trying to strike that fine line of compromise and safety. If it ends being earlier than we thought, sounds like a win to me for all mine and their hard work. We have spent too much time with being scared. Now is the time for cautious optimism not fear. We have come too far. The doctors believe in me. My family can believe in me too. I know they can. Cheers to the thought of going home and beginning the next part of the adventure!

Dr. Katz

I really gotta concentrate on living right now and getting back home where I belong.

Boy this stem cell is tough. It’s really really tough. I have had to go through some really tough things before but I think this one is at the top of the list. I mean, I was prepared before I got here for this that is was going to be a rough road but sheesh it is exceeding even my pre expectations. I always like to consider myself a really prepared individual but I think it is impossible to completely prepare for something like this. You don’t really know, despite all the words, how it is actually going to be until you start doing it.

Let starts off with the first part. I am affectionately going to refer to it as the cannonball chemo part of the process. This is the part where they give you day after day of marrow ablating chemo to prep you for the process. I guess most people get two drugs. I got three. I guess most people take about 5 days to complete this process. Well I got so much chemo that it ended up being 8 straight days before any “rest time” was upon us. I asked why I got all the extra over the usual crowd. The answer was that they just knew I could handle it because I was so tough. Ummm. Thanks? But eek no thanks at the same time.

Of course. I did it anyway because it was what was recommended. I am one of those patients who tried to tread the line between following all directions and still advocating for myself. It’s a tough line sometimes. Ive noticed over the years that medical professionals are definitely not used to patients that are knowledgeable and engaged. Sometimes I feel like they see that as a threat and that they are just being inappropriately judged and questioned. Well that is definitely not the case in my case but it hurts my heart a little to think that maybe some medical professionals are not confident enough in the treatment they are giving to be threatened by questions. Personally I totally dig it when a patient is an active and knowledgeable and engaged team member. This totally makes my day. I wish everyone felt the same way. I think it would help us to better care for patients. It just makes the whole thing go better when you don’t just have a terrified submissive patient that doesn’t totally understands but just goes with what you say. I say this is never a good scenario and it is our job to reinforce to the patient that they, in fact, are the captain of their medical team and in charge of their bodies and their care, It has to be a balance of trust and communication. It is so important.

I get it that there are times when doctors just need to act and tell you what to do, especially in an emergency situation. Me back in December, head full of tumor and mush, suddenly collapsing after not being able to even remember her name or birthday and underwent emergency brain surgery. Scary crap and I get that there wasn’t really a lot of opportunity for my input at that time because I wasn’t even conscious at the time. Thank goodness the doctors took over and convinced my husband to stay put so they could forward with my surgery, get a sample and abruptly begin to halt the seizures and swelling that were going on in my beautiful but tortured brain. Thank God they did or I wouldn’t be here right now. Very grateful for that.

Sorry, back to present times again. I am nearing the point of the end of the inpatient stem cell journey. My counts have already done their plummet. My hemoglobin is down to 7. My platelets are barely measurable and I am super exhaustedI I had a scary time trying to go septic just days ago. Like, we could have been done septic. Yikes.

Well, I am very happy and grateful to report that today is starting in to the final path to the end of my hospital stay. Counts are trying to go back up. I am starting some cell stimulating injections and they say I could go home in as soon as a week. I can’t walk around in the hall anymore because of some opportunistic infections and that is frustrating because i want to be a part of my own recovery. But, it has given me time to sit in my room isolated and have time to write. See? The silver lining is always there if you look hard enough. I always try to maintain my not foolish but productive positive attitude. I really think it helps.

So, here’s to the next few days until i can get home to see my family, my pets, and my friends, and maybe even sleep in my own bed. I know that there will be no parties or large gatherings for months. But I’m doing this now so there can be later. Wish me luck!

Dr. Katz

Wow It has been 4 Months Since I’ve written!

My last post was actually in january 2024, fresh into the throws of my recent primary CNS Lymphoma diagnosis with a brain filled with tumor, mush, and swelling to the point of almost being unrecognizable as a brain by the time I had my brain surgery to get a cell sample. Fortunately, I was in the right place at the right time because I started crumpling like a piece of paper. It was like everything was spiraling out of control very fast. Suddenly I didn’t know my name or where i was or my birthdate. I just sadly shook my head at the neurosurgery check in lady. Thank goodness my husband was with me. He helped fill in the gaps. I underwent my brain surgery and slipped into an encephalopathic coma complete with seizure, swelling and the whole nine yards. My poor husband had to watch all this develop right before his eyes. He stayed with me the whole time I was in the coma, holding my hand, singing to me, trying to reach the me inside unconscious me any way he could. He didn’t give up! He kept telling everybody that they just didn’t understand. This was the fiercest, most beautiful brain they had ever seen and they had to save it!

Well, thank goodness we got there when we did. Once we started treating my seizures and started decreasing my swelling with steroids, voila I woke up days later! Awesome! However I am told that I was not exactly me but more of a smiling simpleton, picking at my brain surgery incisions. Oh for heaven sake. Things continued to improve in the icu and then I got to be transferred to rehab to relearn how to walk with balance properly ( Dang that brain is in charge of a lot).

Then after I finished rehab it was time to get a picc then a port placed and get the chemo started! This still didn’t happen until January but I was grateful it was happening at all. Now fast forward to May now. Weekly high intense chemo cycles for a total of 8 cycles, plus oral chemo. week in the hospital at a time. You see the particular chemo I was getting this time had to be cleared enough out of the body for me to go home without exposing somebody. Yikes.

Now the 8 cycles are over and my brain looks like a real brain again and I actually feel fully functional mental status wise but still get exhausted. I am so grateful just to be able to open my eyes in the morning. I was ready to be done with all this but the thing is, you are never really all the way done. I still have follow up to do for my first cancer and I always will but I am down with that! Let’s keep vigilant! Let’s keep paying attention. Let’s keep self-advocating.

The real truth of the matter is that I have had two totally different lymphomas in 3 years. That is not ok and a brisk pace to keep up. Would I keep doing it if I had to? Hell ya, I got too much to live for. But if there is an option out there that would possibly give me more time off cancer? Yes there is. This is the stem cell transplant I was talking about. First steps are shooting yourself full of granulocyte colony stimulating factors to make your lymph and bone marrow cells multiple like an army within! Thats a lot of hard work creating your own army. There are significant aches and pains involved, but I got through it. When the day came to retrieve the stem cells, I broke a record. The process was supposed to take like 8 hours and generate 3 or 4 million cells. Well it took me like 4 hours and I kicked out 11 million. They actually had to stop me early! WOW!

Now you take a few days off to rest and get admitted back to the hospital for cannon ball marrow ablating chemo for 8 straight days to zap you down to nothing. Rest again and put the health stem cells back. Let’s hope this works! I’ll let ya know.

Be well

Dr. Katz

There is so much to say

Buddha Quotes positive attitude

Hello there! Long time no write. It has been an interesting month to say the least. My head has been spinning with a little bit of everything lately, to the point that I didn’t really know how to put into words that would make any sense. I am going to give it a shot now.

First and foremost, I feel so grateful just to be alive. I remind myself to take note of this every day. It was not guaranteed by any means. 2021 was just a shit show of one inevitable thing after another, not to mention trying to be vanquished by lymphoma. Well! I showed that stupid cancer who’s boss! But, almost a year later, I am still not quite me yet. There have been so many side effects and setbacks and I just had to sign a different consent form that added about 6 new pages of warnings and potential complications for chemo that I already had. But, I just keep on taking the hits like a prize fighter and keep on plugging.

Second, I am so grateful that my husband is alive. I was barely a couple feet in the rearview from chemo when he tried to croak and had multi vessel open heart surgery, without having any high cholesterol or anything! Talk about terrifying and out of the blue! Helping him rebuild both mentally and physically has been one of the greatest challenges of our lives. If we allow it, the what ifs could easily overwhelm us. I just keep saying no!

Third, I am grateful that my kids are healthy, at least physically. Let’s face it. Almost losing both parents in one calendar year hit them like a ton of bricks, even though they tried not to show it. They wanted to spare our feelings and not have us worry or feel guilty. Too late for that. I watched their struggle to process and still give themselves permission to carry on with their lives. There is no more hopeless feeling than knowing your kids are fighting a battle that you just can’t help with or fight for them, but that is partially caused by you. I get it. Feeling guilty does not solve or remedy anything. I just can’t help it.

Fourth, the ongoing business struggles between the pandemic and the after effects of me working less during my cancer treatment and trying to help when my husband was ill are still catching up with me. Not a whole lot I can do about that besides keep working my ass off. On the other hand, I feel very fortunate to still have and own my business after everything that has happened. I’ve always said that I am not in it for the money anyway…lol

Last but not least, there IS something that really keeps me going lately in a good way. Want to know what it is? It is my positivity. What do I mean by that? Well, I DON’T mean that I wear rose-colored glasses and have unrealistic expectations that set me up for failure. I DON’T mean that I skip around singing like Snow White all day. I mean that I am still able to help people every day, no matter what has happened. I truly believe that my positivity has impacted people all over, even in some of the toughest, most defeatist cases. I feel like it is really working and spreading to everyone around me. I truly believe that I have been able to be the metaphorical flashlight that I was aiming for to lead other people through dark times. I realize that I haven’t been able to get to everybody, but I will never stop trying. I think the key thing for me to remember is that I am keeping positive and advocating and pushing because I want to, not from some sense of duty or obligation.

So, let me bottom line it for you. There is a lot of crap still going on, but I am staying positive! Join me will ya?

Dr. Katz