I know you have been wondering how in the heck I got to be me. It has been implied that there are a large amount of background stories contributing to this evolution of mine. Welp, you are about to hear some of them!
That’s right folks. My autobiography is about to launch into publication. I even wrote enough to achieve a hardcover edition! My publishers tell me that they have already nominated it for a national book honor for best biography. I am so humbled and flattered by this that I about burst into tears when I heard it.
I hope you all get a chance to read it when it comes out. I want to be very clear about a couple of things. This is not meant to be a tattle tale tell-all. This is meant to be a peak into some of the stories and adventures I have been through and that have helped shape me into who I am. The main point of writing the book in the first place was to try to finish processing some of those memories and hopefully show everyone how it is possible to make the choice to end up a good human regardless of what happens to you.
There are ways to extract good out of many different circumstances. I am not talking about being a doormat or kidding yourself and not trying to get out of a bad situation. I am not talking about not advocating for yourself. There are amazing nuggets and moments and some not so amazing moments as well. I hope you all enjoy, learn, and hopefully be empowered by it. Happy Reading!
Does anyone feel like being a parent has become even more challenging lately? I feel like parenting in the United States has become increasingly more demanding that it used to be for financial reasons, emotional reasons, and the increasing social pressure to make sure that our children are more successful than we were. I read a very interesting article by Claire Cain Miller in the New York Times back in 2018 and it’s really got me thinking now. I want to share some of it and my own thoughts with you.
Did you know that the word parent as a verb did not get widely used until the 1970s? This was around the same time as the explosion of parenting books all over the country. The ‘helicopter parent” was invented in the 1980s to keep kids safe from harm due to a rash of media attention frenzy child abductions. Even though these incidences were rare, the media ( like they do even now) focused us so strongly on them that it’s all we could think about and it changed a whole generation of parenting.
After the helicopters came the intensive parents. We are still most definitely in the intensive parenting era even now. Let me explain. Intensive parenting first showed up in the 90s and 2000s. We all changed our perspective with regards to our kids. Instead of viewing them as independent, joyful and capable of anything, we started seeing them as moldable, extremely vulnerable beings that needed to be shaped from a very early age. We had a lot of help with this thinking with all the child development research that was flooding our senses at every book store, social circle and media outlet.
So, what was the consequence of this intensive parenting shift? It sounds like it should mean that we spent a lot more time with our kids. In actuality, the real numbers of hours that parents and kids spent together did not change significantly, BUT, what we did during those hours changed a lot. Everything shifted to more hands- on interactions. We started doing more crafts, attending more recitals, going to more sporting events, spending more time helping with homework. Did you know that parents spend an average of five hours or more a week just helping with homework now, as compared to the 1970s? And we still worry that we are not doing enough. Another potentially unhealthy trend was that we started spending all of our leisure time focused solely on our children, instead of leaving anything for ourselves. We greatly increased structured activities, sometimes to the point that every single minute of our child’s lives, and thus our lives, was plotted out to the minute. Then came the overwhelming sense of guilt if you had a few minutes to yourself. We have started spending so much money doing this that we have created a new level of economic anxiety that we have never had before. To me, that is a recipe for disaster and resentment. When you leave nothing for yourself, how can you be the best parent you can be? I am not sure it’s possible. Of course, there is a finesse to the balance. I am not suggesting sitting and eating bonbons all day long while the kids run rampant like “Where the Wild Things Are” or anything.
We have taken this trend to another unhealthy level by tacitly not supporting the working parent. The job flexibility options to facilitate balance between work and home are just not universally available. Then here comes the guilt again about not spending enough time, but you have to work enough to feed them….and afford all their activities…don’t you?
Do you remember you felt free and joyous as a kid? Drinking from the hose? Playing outside until the streetlights came on? Not tied to a screen or having to go to ten activities in one day? Not every kid on the block was headed for an IVY league college? Was it so bad? Did you know that for the first time in history, it is actually about a 50/50 shot whether our kids will end up better off than we were? Studies also show that kids today aren’t any happier or more satisfied than they used to be either. Despite all this extra effort? Whaat?!
I think then that begs the question….what are we doing? Why are we doing it? I think we need to stop and think a minute. Slow down the relentless wave of activities. Allow our kids to think for themselves and be a part of choosing their own path. If what we are doing is not actually working, isn’t time we re-evaluated? I truly think that a child’s own path depends largely on the child. We all have heard stories of inner city children ending up rich and famous and likewise of privileged children ending up aimless with no steady job. No matter how many opportunities are thrown someone’s way or how many hours are invested, it is ultimately up to the individual to make the most of it. Let’s give them a chance to be independent. Let’s keep watching but not always interfering.( Within reason. I know even I can’t let things go all the time. ) If anything, you might have time to sip a glass of wine once in awhile and they might even end up happier. Isn’t that what matters the most? Just think about it.
These are words to live by right there. I am always encouraging patients to advocate for themselves. I think that every patient should be master and commander of their own destiny. It is so important that you listen with your eyes and ears open at every doctor’s appointment. Take notes and read everything that your doctors give you. At least attempt to understand what your doctor is telling you or ask questions until you do. Insist on clarification if you don’t. Pay attention, even if you don’t like what the doctor is saying, especially if you are getting news that you don’t want to hear. If you are getting any kind of unfavorable news, it becomes even more important to buckle down and concentrate so that you can be a part of your own management plan. If you disagree with your doctor’s diagnosis and plan, communicate that, in the right way, and talk about it together. Make sure that you have given him or her ALL the necessary information that you can think of, even if you think it doesn’t matter. Ask questions! I never understand when my colleagues complain about patients asking questions. I am like bring it on! I love questions! It means that you are actually interested in your own health and what I am telling you. I am actually more concerned if you don’t ask. Plus, if I have a problem with a patient asking questions, that poorly reflects on me if anything. So, please ask away.
So we have discussed how to advocate for yourself as a patient. Now let’s discuss the difference between advocating for yourself and trying to be your own doctor. When a patient advocates for themselves, they are being an active participant in their own management. They are agreeing to a team participation relationship between themselves and their physician. They are vested in their care. This is a good thing. Sometimes, patients cross the line and try to be their own doctor. This is when things get tricky and potentially harmful. Show of hands: who has done this before? I think we all have at one time or another, myself included. There are many different strategies that we use. 1) We self- diagnose with the aid of our friends or Doctor Google and seek our own treatment. 2) Sometimes we use left-over medication instead of seeking help or advice. 3) Sometimes we are so set on our own self-diagnosis that we call the doctor’s office and insist on a particular course of treatment and refuse to come in because we are sure that we are right. Then we lash out at the doctor for not instantly responding to our requests of convenience and daring to ask us to come for an appointment. 4) Sometimes we convince ourselves that nothing’s wrong and delay our treatment because we are either afraid or “don’t have time to bother with it.” I think that physicians in particular are guilty of this last one. We spend so much time caring for others that we don’t make the time to make sure we care for ourselves. It really is self-defeating because, if we don’t take care of ourselves and assume a patient role at times, we won’t be around to care for others.
All of these strategies have the potential to bite you in the proverbial ass at the end. I strongly advise against it. Mind you, I am all about patients being aware of their own bodies and health history. On top of that, I am always listening when a patient gives me their diagnosis and I take it into consideration. However, the bottom line is, when you are too close to a situation(i.e you trying to diagnose you), it is nearly impossible to always make the right decision. The chances of you being wrong are greater than the chances of you being right. You just can’t be objective. The decisions we make for ourselves are automatically imbued with our own agenda and baggage: We are worried about missing work. We don’t have time to go to the doctor. We don’t have time to stop. There are deadlines that we are worried about missing. We are afraid. When you “let your doctor in” on the decision making process, you bring back the objectivity that is crucial in determining the right diagnosis and treatment. When a patient comes to me with an issue, I am able to evaluate it with a clear head with objective information. My initial job is to get to the root of their issue and come up with a plan. I have the luxury of not having to be preloaded with concerns about their external factors until I have come up with a diagnosis. Let me clarify. I do not mean that I don’t consider their schedules or other life issues, I just mean that I don’t have to let it slow me down in terms of their diagnosis.
Now that we have described what it means to be your own doctor, let’s talk about why it is a bad idea. First and foremost, you just get it your own way. You slow down the path to diagnosis and treatment, if not cure. Second, if you are wrong, and there is a good chance that you could be, it could literally mean the difference between success and failure, life and death, etc. Third, you are not giving your doctor a chance to actually do their job. They did go to medical school after all and it was probably a more thorough training experience that what Dr. Google or your friend has. Let them get their ( and your) money’s worth out of it! Fourth, trying to be your own doctor can be really isolating and frustrating and often you have gone through multiple incomplete treatment options first when you could have just gone to the doctor and gotten the correct treatment the first time. If the risk of wasting time was your deciding factor in not going to the doctor, you just negated it by wasting your own time. Just don’t do it!
I fully realize that doctors need to step it up and not force this situation either. We are not free of accountability here. We need to try to work with your schedule. It’s not always possible though. We need to have same day appointment availability slots if possible. We need to make sure our staff is answering phones regularly when you call with questions when we are busy with patients. We need to make sure that we answer our phones when you have after hours concerns. I get that. It’s not just a one-sided issue. I make every effort to fulfill all of these criteria. But, none of these convenience and safety steps can make any difference unless you at least try to reach out in the first place.
