Tag: control

Mom! How come you didn’t force me to stick with that activity?

So, I have a fierce, independent, strong, intelligent, multi-talented daughter. She is one of those people that can literally try something for the first time and win ribbons, medals and prizes in it. She has that much natural talent. It is kind of awe-inspiring really. I’m not just saying that as her biased mom. Other people would actually agree. I’m actually one of the hardest ones to impress but I am always impressed by hard work and time commitment regardless of the result.

She has pretty much let me know that she would like to be in charge of her own life since the womb and I caught on quickly. I’m one of those moms that gets to know all my kids as individuals and each one of them and myself have a unique relationship based on their personality and personage. So, like I said, this daughter in particular is fiercely independent and likes to be in charge. Well, this was no different when she was nine and we were faced with the financially based “let’s narrow down how many things you are participating in right now” discussion. We talked about it in detail. Laid out all the financial responsibilities, the potential for success and what I thought versus what she thought about the direction she should head in.

She made what I thought was the wrong decision at the time, especially in terms of long-term interest and the potential for lasting success. We talked about it for a long time and basically ended up going with her decision, as previously agreed.

Years and years went by of not doing this activity. The other activities came and went and she always ended up pondering about this one, like I knew she would. Well guess what, now in her later teen years she has restarted this activity and is making huge strides with it and realized that she never should have stopped in the first place. To her, it fills her with some regrets at the wasted time of it all. To me, I realize that it means so much more to her now and is filled with even more potential than before and I don’t really feel that any time was wasted because it is now truly hers and she is in charge. I truly feel that she can accomplish anything that she puts her mind to…and she is definitely doing that now. I cannot wait to cheer for her and her future accomplishments.

Dr. Laura

It’s Time To Get Back to the Smoothie

I finally went on a vacation after almost two years. It was amazing. In the weeks preceding it, I became acutely aware of just how much I NEEDED it: emotionally and physically. I felt like every cell in my body was about to burst with the drive to get the hell out of town an away from everything: my environment, my routine, my town, everything. In between the vacation cravings came the vacation fears. What if something terrible happened to one of us? What if we didn’t get to go at all? What if we didn’t survive it? Let’s be honest for a moment. Each and every time we tried to have time off in the last two years, something awful happened. A pandemic started. Someone had a heart attack or, my favorite, someone got cancer. You see what I mean? The vacation fears almost took over the vacation cravings to the point that we felt jinxed just to utter the word vacation. We started saying pause or any other euphemism to avoid saying the word vacation. It’s ridiculous I know, but it’s what happened.

So, the big day finally arrived. We were all packed and ready to go, BEFORE 2 am the night before. This in and of itself is a miracle…lol We celebrated each mile stone with vigor. Hurray we made it to the airport. Hooray we made it through security. Hurray we made it on the plane. And then, the celebrations stopped because flights were delayed…and cancelled. But, we even made the best of that and just kept switching gears as fast as they changed.

Finally, we made it to our destination: sunny Key West Florida. I had never been. It was gorgeous and hot and sweaty. I was in love. I thought for sure that it would be smooth sailing from there. It was, sort of. I realized quickly that we both had forgotten how to really take a vacation. We were kind of anxious at first, waiting for the other shoe to drop and wondering how we would handle it so far from home. I think we each took our own day to fall apart a little and lift each other back up again. It sounds like a waste of time, but it wasn’t. We needed that time to absorb that it would be ok and that we would be ok and that we were allowed to just have fun and relax. We did get the hang of it eventually.

It ended up being a marvelous vacation, plane snafus at the end not withstanding. We did relax. We did have fun. We ate stuff. We did stuff. We saw old friends. We tried new things. But, after a week, it was time to get back to the real world. I realized the routine I had been so vigorously campaigning against before we left was not actually a bad thing. There is safety and comfort in the routine. For chrissakes, for the past two years life has been anything BUT routine until lately. If I am being honest, things were finally getting normal enough to even be able to notice a routine. I told myself that the routine was dragging me down, but it wasn’t really true. The routine just let’s me know that I am okay and that things are ok. That’s a good thing.

According to Diane Lang, 40 % of our lives involve routines. Routines give us a sense of structure. They give us a sense of accomplishment. They let us know that we are doing ok. They give us a pattern to follow. They are even important for our mental health. They allow us a sense of what we can control. I think this has been especially important during the pandemic. I know that for me, being able to establish a routine has been essential in my continued healthy survivorship after cancer. The bottom line is, routine are not so bad. On that note, now that I am home, I think it is time to get back to the smoothie. I missed it while I was on vacation.

Dr. Katz

So, I kind of broke up an almost fight at Kroger today

Hey everyone! Long time no write. LIfe has been a crazy series up downs…and downs…lately and my time and mind have been elsewhere out of necessity. But today, something happened that I think is worth sharing so here goes.

I was in line at Kroger today and I slid in right behind this very frustrated guy who was about to have a verbal duke out with the poor blameless cashier, who appeared to already be having a very difficult day. I observed quietly for a second, and then I felt compelled to intervene. I realize that this is a risky move, especially nowadays but I went for it anyway. I was going to bring some peace to Kroger dang it. I said, ” You know, I think we have all forgotten how to be kind. We have all gotten so frustrated with other stuff and other people that we forget how to be nice to others. ” This stunned them into angry silence for a minute. I boldly went on. “When I had my cancer this year and then my husband had emergency heart surgery soon after I was done with chemo, I realized that there are some battles I just don’t need to fight anymore. I just feel lucky to be above ground. Everything after that is just gravy.” Both men got even quieter and just stared at me. I wasn’t really sure what was going to happen. Then, the fighting man asked if he could help me get the stuff from under my cart. I said, “Absolutely! Thanks!” He did. Then he turned to the cashier and said thanks and then went on his way. The cashier thanked me and I noted out of the corner of my eye that everyone was smiling and nodding. I have to admit. That felt really good. I had brought peace to Kroger that day.

You have to ask yourself, why are we all so frustrated? Actually, that is a fairly easy question to answer. Look at all the colossal shit that has happened in all of our worlds lately. We’ve got the ongoing pandemic (depending on which blend of fact and fiction you subscribe to. I am just going to leave that one alone.) We have unemployment issues. We all know someone that has gone through incredible health issues. We have all had ridiculous amounts of financial strain. The list keeps going. It requires no stretch of the imagination to suppose why we are all on edge. The real question to answer now is how are we going to stop it? Are we going to be able to act like logical, sensitive, compassionate humans again once things get better? Or are we so entrenched in the cycle of negativity that we have forgotten how to recognize when things are good? I can understand the negative reactions to negative environments and things that we cannot control. But, I am suggesting that we start trying to remember how to act like civilized rational beings again regardless. Take it slowly at first, deciding to be content with or grateful for some tiny little thing: a single decision that goes your way. Then, go from there. I am just afraid that if we don’t start at least trying now, we won’t be able to do it later. Then, we will have a much bigger problem.

Dr. Katz

Sometimes it’s hard not to get jealous

Being a cancer patient definitely has it’s challenges. I think we all can agree. Feeling sick, fatigue, nausea, loss of appetite, hair loss, shortness of breath are the things that we tend to think of first as the top issues that cancer patients face. However, there is another challenge that insidiously creeps it’s way into your life: envy and resentment. It’s not good. It affects your mood and your relationships. It is just as unpredictable as the cancer itself. It can make you wallow in self pity, even when you don’t mean to. It can make you lash out at the people that care about you and are trying to help you. What am I talking about exactly? I am talking about that feeling of jealousy and resentment that creeps up on you over time that you misdirect toward anyone in the way. What do you become jealous and resentful of?: anyone that is living a full life and doing what they want when you can’t! You become like that puppy dog at the window hoping to go for a ride in the car somewhere, anywhere. The real you spends your time encouraging everyone around you to keep living and do what they love, even if you are sick. Then the other you starts muttering under your breath, crying and cursing them as they leave you. It is completely ridiculous I know and it’s unfair both to you and the people in your life. It basically boils down to emotional abuse for all of you. Nothing good can come of it. I have done it myself.

However, as I sit chastising and judging myself for doing it, I also have to realize that some of these confusing emotions have to come with the territory. It is only natural for you to feel out of control emotions in a pretty out of control situation. I mean c’mon, the cancer is already unpredictably calling most of the shots when it comes to day to day physical living. Why wouldn’t your emotions be all over the place? I think the key is not that those emotions are there, but what you do with them. You can’t erase your feelings, but you can try to control yourself so they don’t run other people over like some kind of freight train. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Don’t lash out at the people trying to help you. That won’t help resolve the feelings and only leaves you feeling bad about yourself. That certainly won’t help you heal any faster. Here is where therapy has come in very handy, at least for me. I highly recommend it and I think every patient facing serious illness should have it. It is a much better option to let out those feelings to a paid professional who is trained in how to help you deal with them, rather than blasting your family who is only trying to help you. It might just save your relationships.

Dr.Katz

Is It Time To Be Thankful Yet?

So, Thanksgiving just passed. Did we all remember to be thankful, or did we get mired down in complaining about not seeing the usual volume of family members and bemoan the current status of the COVID pandemic? I think that a lot of people fell into the second category, if they are being honest. I admit that, even though I have realized all of my current blessings, I still fall prey to the diffuse and sometimes oppressive fatigue of depression that has followed me around for the last 9 months, despite all my best efforts. This begs the question then, when is it time to be thankful? The answer is: RIGHT NOW! For a lot of us, things aren’t really going our way and haven’t for a long time. The economy is tough. Family relations are strained. Family members have been lost. People are fed up and spend a little too much time like little powder kegs ready to blow at the slightest opportunity for conflict. On top of that, the capacity for empathy is not so great right now. I have to admit that, even my standards for thankfulness have had to be lowered a bit just to keep things in perspective and convince myself that I am not “reaching too high.” …lol. Still, I am above ground, I have a family to miss, I have my health ( most days), and I still get to do what I love and take care of people. Essentially, it is all I really need so you betcha I am thankful. Don’t let me kid you. I have ” days” like everyone else. I am still human. We are all feeling the struggle right now. It’s a normal human response to the sense of loss of control and freedom. But, just when you feel that whine coming on I urge you to think twice before you do it. There is always the possibility that someone is worse off than you.

Dr. Katz

Every Memory Has Value

Memories - kMITRA

Have you ever noticed that when an experience ends in a sour note, our first instinct is to try to erase it’s memory as if it never existed in the first place? We attempt to block any recollection of the event as if to protect ourselves from the pain. Sometimes we go as far as to rewrite history to attempt to make ourselves feel better about the whole thing or to justify our decision in the end. I think that we do this in order to regain control and shield ourselves from the bad experience, thus taking away it’s power and impact. This is what we tell ourselves at least. However, I feel like the exact opposite is true. Every experience, good or bad, has value and a take away point. Most experiences that end badly were not truly 100% bad, or we wouldn’t have engaged with that experience to begin with. Nobody is that masochistic. I think that by expending the mental energy to rewrite history or deny any good memories that were also associated with it, we are actually granting more power to the bad part of the experience than it deserves. We are actually chaining ourselves to that negativity and becoming an essential part of the bad experience. We are discounting our own credibility in our judgement regarding what we chose to participate in. By allowing ourselves to acknowledge any positive aspects as well, we truly begin to free ourselves from that negativity and realize that, whatever the experience was, it wasn’t just a waste of our time to begin with. Have a fantastic day everybody!

Dr. Katz