Tag: crap

They say my personality has changed

I am told as of late that my personality has changed. I have become more irritable, a little shorter in temper, and I tend to say what needs to be said whether someone is ready to hear it or not.

I have a few different theories on why this is happening. Before I go on, I want to make it clear that I am making active strides not to evolve into a butthole in therapy as well. Just wanted you to know. Theory number one is that I battled not one but two cancers in the last three years. The most recent one was brain cancer for chrissake. Literally at one point in time not more than a year ago my brain was over half overtaken by tumor and swelling. I have to believe that that leaves some long-term changes behind, despite how far I have come from that point. I did a hell of lot of hard work, perserverence, suffering, and fear-battling in addition to battling the cancers. I was at everyone else’s mercy at any one point in time. A girl gets impatient with even the littler things after awhile because you just want something to go your way at some point. Things get out of proportion.

In terms of my second theory, I got put on Keppra for the intense seizure activity and I am still on it. Well I am here to tell ya the list of side effects from Keppra are like a mile long and a ton of them are psychological like depression, anxiety, and irritability. The term Keppra rage has been quoted to me by multiple patients. Ok, I am willing to admit that this could be a factor as well and I am hoping that my upcoming EEG will reveal that maybe I can start weaning off it since the reason I was put on it in the first place is not really valid anymore. Fingers crossed but no worries. I am not about to do anything stupid that would result in me not being able to drive or do anything for myself.

My third theory is that just maybe I have finally gotten old enough and have been through enough that I have lost the infinite patience I used to have for BS and crap. I just don’t feel like i have the time to deal with it anymore. This is not me saying I have decided to stop listening anymore. Absolutely not. I also realize that everyone’s perception of what is truly painful or impactful is very different. I know I have to allow for that variation.

The bottom line is I may in fact be a little crabbier and a little less tolerant, but I think it is all explainable. I am trying my best to remain myself and spread as much positivity, empowerment, and good into the world as I can. I can promise you I will faithfully keep up these efforts. Just bare with me for now if you could. I appreciate it.

Dr. Katz

There is so much to say

Buddha Quotes positive attitude

Hello there! Long time no write. It has been an interesting month to say the least. My head has been spinning with a little bit of everything lately, to the point that I didn’t really know how to put into words that would make any sense. I am going to give it a shot now.

First and foremost, I feel so grateful just to be alive. I remind myself to take note of this every day. It was not guaranteed by any means. 2021 was just a shit show of one inevitable thing after another, not to mention trying to be vanquished by lymphoma. Well! I showed that stupid cancer who’s boss! But, almost a year later, I am still not quite me yet. There have been so many side effects and setbacks and I just had to sign a different consent form that added about 6 new pages of warnings and potential complications for chemo that I already had. But, I just keep on taking the hits like a prize fighter and keep on plugging.

Second, I am so grateful that my husband is alive. I was barely a couple feet in the rearview from chemo when he tried to croak and had multi vessel open heart surgery, without having any high cholesterol or anything! Talk about terrifying and out of the blue! Helping him rebuild both mentally and physically has been one of the greatest challenges of our lives. If we allow it, the what ifs could easily overwhelm us. I just keep saying no!

Third, I am grateful that my kids are healthy, at least physically. Let’s face it. Almost losing both parents in one calendar year hit them like a ton of bricks, even though they tried not to show it. They wanted to spare our feelings and not have us worry or feel guilty. Too late for that. I watched their struggle to process and still give themselves permission to carry on with their lives. There is no more hopeless feeling than knowing your kids are fighting a battle that you just can’t help with or fight for them, but that is partially caused by you. I get it. Feeling guilty does not solve or remedy anything. I just can’t help it.

Fourth, the ongoing business struggles between the pandemic and the after effects of me working less during my cancer treatment and trying to help when my husband was ill are still catching up with me. Not a whole lot I can do about that besides keep working my ass off. On the other hand, I feel very fortunate to still have and own my business after everything that has happened. I’ve always said that I am not in it for the money anyway…lol

Last but not least, there IS something that really keeps me going lately in a good way. Want to know what it is? It is my positivity. What do I mean by that? Well, I DON’T mean that I wear rose-colored glasses and have unrealistic expectations that set me up for failure. I DON’T mean that I skip around singing like Snow White all day. I mean that I am still able to help people every day, no matter what has happened. I truly believe that my positivity has impacted people all over, even in some of the toughest, most defeatist cases. I feel like it is really working and spreading to everyone around me. I truly believe that I have been able to be the metaphorical flashlight that I was aiming for to lead other people through dark times. I realize that I haven’t been able to get to everybody, but I will never stop trying. I think the key thing for me to remember is that I am keeping positive and advocating and pushing because I want to, not from some sense of duty or obligation.

So, let me bottom line it for you. There is a lot of crap still going on, but I am staying positive! Join me will ya?

Dr. Katz