Tag: energy

An idea alone is not enough.

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Here we Go Again

Soaking up the last day

Making use of my energy

Before it ebbs away.

Relishing time in the sun

Before things get dark

And definitely less fun.

Feeling my faith and inner power

Determined to press on

Not letting thoughts go sour.

I can do this. I know I can.

Advocating for myself

This is all part of my plan.

Takin it easy is not the same thing as being a prisoner.

Oh man am I having trouble with that distinction lately! First of all, limitations have never really been my jam to say the least. I have been a patient more than I care to admit in my lifetime. You know, multiple surgeries, medical emergencies, accidents, time off work, the whole nine yards. I am usually the one who is walking the halls just hours after emergency surgery. I am not a stay tied down kind of person. Now that the universe decided that cancer with chemo plus a pandemic was a good idea, I am looking at a whole lot more than just some temporary limitations. There is no way around it. I feel like I am looking at house arrest for months. Let’s face it, I will be immunosuppressed, on top of having cancer, in the midst of an ongoing pandemic. I can’t afford to take chances so I need to suck it up.

Yes, I exaggerated. I won’t exactly be on house arrest. I am going to work when I can. I will need to leave the house for doctor appointments. I just won’t be going out of my way to go out to dinner or take unnecessary risks. I probably won’t be doing any hospital procedures either. It’s just being smart. To be honest, it won’t be that different from what is going on now, except for the fact that the chemo I will be on shoves me from the mild risk category to the top of the highest risk category when it comes to death from infection and Covid. Yippee! This is not the kind of line that I wanted to cut to the front of.

In my rational moments, it all makes sense. There is no point in fighting hard to dodge the cancer bullet if I am just going to open myself up to the Covid one. That would be ridiculous. The restrictions are in place to help keep me safe and see this thing through to the end. I choose to follow them. I know that. And, it’s not as if there isn’t enough Netflix to go around to entertain me.

There are other things that I worry about though. Yes, believe it or not I worry about being bored, even though I am working on a book, a podcast, a blog and I try to post daily updates. I worry about having too much time to think which runs the risk of being counterproductive and focused on worrying with nothing to distract me. I worry about resenting my family and friends as the pandemic restrictions lift and life resumes again while I watch vicariously through a proverbial window. I worry about being consumed with guilt from letting people down. I realize that everyone is being tremendously understanding now, but everybody has their limits. See! I wouldn’t have so much time to overthink all of this unless I was on restrictions!…lol

Oh who am I kidding? No one really has to enforce my restrictions. My body takes care of that nicely. I never know which version of me is going to lift her head off the pillow in the morning: the one that is raring to go for several hours or the one that gets short of breath after about three steps and has to sit back down. It is a real Wheel of Fortune going on around here and I am definitely not the big winner the majority of the time. I am kidding myself to think that I could really change that even if I wanted to right now. It is what it is. The only real choice that I get to have control over is my attitude and my willingness to accept the advice of my doctors. I have to realize that this is not their first rodeo and that they do actually know what’s best based on experience, knowledge, and training. Like I am always saying, I need to be a team player in my healthcare. If coach says I need to sit on the bench for a bit, well then I better just sit.

Dr. Katz

Suckin the Life Outta Ya

Man this cancer thing is already kind of ridiculous, and I haven’t even started treatment. From the moment I found out, I firmly positioned myself in full bad-ass stance, made long term grandiose plans and capriciously swore that nothing would hold me down or stop me from caring for other people and patients. I was cocky. I was confident. I thought that it would help me beat this thing.

So, that was like….so last two weeks. Now let me tell you about what I actually should have done or learned…lol When I first learned that I had cancer, I had people telling me everything from reminding me how I need to slow down to I could work full time with this no problem with no pauses! Well of course I gravitated toward the full throttle advice! Who wouldn’t? I didn’t cancel patients right away. I started writing my book. I started a new podcast. I recruited my army, once I finally let the cat out of the bag. I cried for about two seconds and then I was ready to go! I was not done yet! Screw you cancer! You’re not the boss of me! Sound familiar? Anyone else been there? It doesn’t last too long does it?

Here is what I should have realized and learned. The first thing to realize when you are told you have cancer is that it has been around a lot longer than you thought. You need to add a couple of years in some cases to the time of diagnosis. Whaaat?! A couple of years?! That sucker has been sneaking around in my body for a couple of years? What the hell?! What that means is by the time you are diagnosed, it has been around long enough to give you symptoms. This means that the path from feeling normal to shitty has been significantly shortened before you even get the chance to process the fact that you have cancer in the first place. How rude!

Second, I should have realized that now is the time to plan carefully, anticipate and CONSERVE energy, not burn it all up before you even start. This is the time to try to be realistic, without guilt, about what you will be able to do and not do. This is my biggest challenge. Instead of just relaxing, I spend way too much time feeling guilty on what I am missing out on and who I am letting down. I am fixated on the fact that I am dropping the ball. Ugh! I went from feeling good to crappy in about a week. Now I walk across the room or just sit and promptly get short of breath, depending on the day. I have fatigue that is so intense that it literally comes out of no where and sucks the life out of you to the point that even breathing seems like too much effort. I am told that this is common with lymphoma since it is a condition that has a lot more inflammation associated with it. Therefore, your body requires a ton of excess energy and calories to try to fight it off. It makes sense I guess. My point is, that I waste time when I feel good trying to accomplish a million things until the next time I don’t feel good. I am not good at resting. How will this benefit me? It won’t. It will only make it tougher and take me longer to get better.

Last but not least, I should have realized that I have to let people help me! They are doing it because they want to, not because I am making them. I need to stop trying to do everything myself. I need to stop confusing accepting help with some weird acknowledgement of failure or weakness. What is my problem? I still don’t know…lol All I can promise is that I will work on it, because I intend to see this thing all the way through. Wish me luck!

Dr. Katz