Tag: focus

Parenting has changed A LOT

Does anyone feel like being a parent has become even more challenging lately? I feel like parenting in the United States has become increasingly more demanding that it used to be for financial reasons, emotional reasons, and the increasing social pressure to make sure that our children are more successful than we were. I read a very interesting article by Claire Cain Miller in the New York Times back in 2018 and it’s really got me thinking now. I want to share some of it and my own thoughts with you.

Did you know that the word parent as a verb did not get widely used until the 1970s? This was around the same time as the explosion of parenting books all over the country. The ‘helicopter parent” was invented in the 1980s to keep kids safe from harm due to a rash of media attention frenzy child abductions. Even though these incidences were rare, the media ( like they do even now) focused us so strongly on them that it’s all we could think about and it changed a whole generation of parenting.

After the helicopters came the intensive parents. We are still most definitely in the intensive parenting era even now. Let me explain. Intensive parenting first showed up in the 90s and 2000s. We all changed our perspective with regards to our kids. Instead of viewing them as independent, joyful and capable of anything, we started seeing them as moldable, extremely vulnerable beings that needed to be shaped from a very early age. We had a lot of help with this thinking with all the child development research that was flooding our senses at every book store, social circle and media outlet.

So, what was the consequence of this intensive parenting shift? It sounds like it should mean that we spent a lot more time with our kids. In actuality, the real numbers of hours that parents and kids spent together did not change significantly, BUT, what we did during those hours changed a lot. Everything shifted to more hands- on interactions. We started doing more crafts, attending more recitals, going to more sporting events, spending more time helping with homework. Did you know that parents spend an average of five hours or more a week just helping with homework now, as compared to the 1970s? And we still worry that we are not doing enough. Another potentially unhealthy trend was that we started spending all of our leisure time focused solely on our children, instead of leaving anything for ourselves. We greatly increased structured activities, sometimes to the point that every single minute of our child’s lives, and thus our lives, was plotted out to the minute. Then came the overwhelming sense of guilt if you had a few minutes to yourself. We have started spending so much money doing this that we have created a new level of economic anxiety that we have never had before. To me, that is a recipe for disaster and resentment. When you leave nothing for yourself, how can you be the best parent you can be? I am not sure it’s possible. Of course, there is a finesse to the balance. I am not suggesting sitting and eating bonbons all day long while the kids run rampant like “Where the Wild Things Are” or anything.

We have taken this trend to another unhealthy level by tacitly not supporting the working parent. The job flexibility options to facilitate balance between work and home are just not universally available. Then here comes the guilt again about not spending enough time, but you have to work enough to feed them….and afford all their activities…don’t you?

Do you remember you felt free and joyous as a kid? Drinking from the hose? Playing outside until the streetlights came on? Not tied to a screen or having to go to ten activities in one day? Not every kid on the block was headed for an IVY league college? Was it so bad? Did you know that for the first time in history, it is actually about a 50/50 shot whether our kids will end up better off than we were? Studies also show that kids today aren’t any happier or more satisfied than they used to be either. Despite all this extra effort? Whaat?!

I think then that begs the question….what are we doing? Why are we doing it? I think we need to stop and think a minute. Slow down the relentless wave of activities. Allow our kids to think for themselves and be a part of choosing their own path. If what we are doing is not actually working, isn’t time we re-evaluated? I truly think that a child’s own path depends largely on the child. We all have heard stories of inner city children ending up rich and famous and likewise of privileged children ending up aimless with no steady job. No matter how many opportunities are thrown someone’s way or how many hours are invested, it is ultimately up to the individual to make the most of it. Let’s give them a chance to be independent. Let’s keep watching but not always interfering.( Within reason. I know even I can’t let things go all the time. ) If anything, you might have time to sip a glass of wine once in awhile and they might even end up happier. Isn’t that what matters the most? Just think about it.

I have been really struggling with how to be a good parent lately.

Parents tired of noisy children who are running and shouting Tired mother and father sitting on couch feels annoyed exhausted while noisy little daughter and son shouting run around sofa where parents resting. Too active hyperactive kids, need repose concept parenting stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images

Wow! I have been really struggling in the parent department lately. There have been so many unforeseen and unpredictable changes in the last two and a half years that have really affected my relationship with my kids and none of them are in my control.

The ongoing pandemic has ripped us all away from our usual social environments and has taken away many traditional milestones and events. As adults, we have missed out in person interactions with work colleagues, family gatherings, and the ability to be at loved one’s side during illness or hospitalization. This has been difficult but our capacity to recover is greater because, for the most part, we have plentiful stored memories to fall back on. For our kids, they are missing once in a lifetime experiences like prom, last sports games, and in person graduations. It has been argued that they should “get over it” because these events are nothing compared to high schoolers of the past who had to leave school to go off to war, etc. Last time I checked, no one is comparing prom to Nam and they shouldn’t start now. Missing these key social interactions has caused some long-lasting psychological damage for these kids. They will never get these moments back. The level of depression that I have seen is tremendous and it affects everything.

On top of the pandemic, I got cancer and my husband had a heart attack, one right after the other. My kids almost lost both parents in one year. As much as they put up an outside facade, I know this affected them tremendously. How could it not? They don’t treat us the same way. I get the feeling that, even though we survived, a part of them didn’t. A part of them walks around every day waiting for the next shoe to drop and they can’t seem to stop. There is just a little air of underlying depression and doom almost every day. It kind of breaks my heart.

There has also been a sense of life is too short no matter what is going on for them. This sounds like it should be a healthy realization, encouraging them to live life to the fullest, but instead I worry that it has become an excuse for unhealthy choices and directions. I am just at a loss as to how to handle it.

As a parent, I feel like I should be jumping on or punishing these poor choices or at least trying to redirect them. I worry that I am not doing my job if I don’t. I am concerned that it will seem like I don’t care if I don’t react. But really, it’s not true. I talked to my therapist about this. She explained to me that punishments don’t really work in this situation. Most punishments that I could think of would really only punish me and the other people relying on my kids in the long run. Taking away phones, jobs, privileges, and cars just mean that I will have to do a lot more driving, spending, and won’t be able to communicate remotely with my kids. She assured me that I am not being a bad parent by not reacting to every single thing and leaving some things up to my kids to figure out. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t erase my validity as a parent. Ultimately, the consequences of their actions need to be theirs. Making myself overly upset about it does not help anything and is counterproductive. She advised me to take a step back and I think she is right. Overly obsessing and punishing and trying to address every little thing only increases my stress, increases the negative attention impact on my relationship with my kids and gets me no where. It can only end badly. I need to put a stop to the distracting inner struggle and keep growing and moving forward. I need to refocus. I need to no longer punish myself for not being there when I was sick or my husband was sick. I need to be patient. I can help them more by living my best life by example than fighting every day. I am not saying that I plan to let them run me over. There are limits. I am just saying that I need to pace myself and realize what is really important. Everything I have been through, my kids have been going through too and it’s not over yet. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.

Dr. Katz