Tag: grateful

The next scan is coming up…again

Guys, I can’t help it. There is like a little internal panic clock that starts ticking once I get within 2 weeks to a month of my next scan. I know they are all necessary. I also know that I have no concrete symptoms to tell me that anything is wrong. And yet, I still go off the rails somewhat. I swear to god I start having or making up some symptoms just due to anxiety. I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is true so I might as well admit it. I have gotten much better about calming myself down without pharmaceutical assistance tho, so that part is good.

Do any of you out there who have or have battled cancer before go through this? I know the answer is probably yes but I am just asking anyway. How do you deal with it? I am wondering to myself if it will ever go away. I have yet to actually make it to a 5 year post cancer mark with either of my cancers. I am almost there from my first cancer in 2021, but still not quite yet. It’s interesting that I hardly ever think about that one like it’s old news or something. It was still serious but very treatable. It’s almost as if the most recent brain cancer that I had overshadowed everything. Even tho it, too, was treatable thank goodness.

I have had many people tell me that I have no right to call myself lucky since I have had two cancers. I have had many people tell me that at least I had ” the good kind” of cancers. I am not always sure how to filter that input so I just end up smiling and nodding, and then walking in the other direction. As I have had time to think about it, I think that my own personal take on it is a combination of those two inputs.

Yes, I do think that I am lucky that I was able to successfully battle both of those cancers. I think of myself more in terms of a warrior than a survivor, because I do not think that my ongoing vigilance will ever truly be over. I will always have to be on the look out, recent stem cell transplant do over not withstanding. I know that sounds crazy to say and seems like I am not celebrating at all, but actually I am celebrating. I celebrate every single day the fact that I get to wake up in the morning, open my eyes and realize the world around me.

As far as the having the good kind of cancer part, I am not really sure what that would be. I do not think the words good and cancer belong in the same sentence. I would definitely go with the word treatable though. That kind of thinking sometimes sends me in the wrong direction. I start belittling the kinds of cancer that I had because I was able to conquer them when other do not. I know I shouldn’t do this. I realize that the battles I fought successfully were extremely difficult and that nothing should be taken away from them just because I survived. Each cancer battle is it’s own challenging and potentially vicious beast. The strategy that I have chosen to take when I find myself minimizing what I have been through is to throw myself into empowering, helping, and supporting others with cancer. I think it is my best strategy at this point.

So, to all of you out there who have battled, are battling, or know someone who is battling cancer, I sent out all my positive, empowering, and strategizing energy to you. If there is anything that you need or any way you think I could help, I will.

Have a fantastic day everyone.

Dr. Katz

I am so ready to do even more good in the world.

I have been given multiple gifts lately. I am humbled and fortunate to have survived brain cancer while breaking some records. I have returned to full functioning, besides the need for the occasional brief power nap. My memories are returning. My stamina is approaching normal levels. My business is getting back on track. All of these are such wonderful things.

Even more wonderful lately is that I have had several old acquaintances, students, etcetera reach out again for the first time in a long time. They have heard that I am healthy again and would like to get reacquainted. Some of them have stories of how they have learned from me. Some of them need my help once again. I am so blown away and honored by these remembrances. Yes 100 percent yes! Let’s reach out! Let’s reconnect! Let me help you! It would be my pleasure. I am grateful that you even thought of me. Let’s do this! I am ready to continue my outpouring of good into the world. I am ready to continue to convert my sometimes tough and traumatic experiences into good advice and support for others. I am ready!

Have an amazing and blessed day everyone!

Dr. Katz

Running mundane errands this morning

Ok so I woke up today on a Friday morning and realized I had the day off…First win of the day! Then, I realized that I was going to get to go to the fruit and veggie market and the grocery store..by MYSELF…driving my OWN CAR! Whaaaat? You are probably asking yourself….so, what’s the big deal? Well, the big deal is that something like that has not happened in like 8 months. 8 months of hospital prison, chemo, stem cell craziness, sepsis, isolation and just trying to make it out alive! This realization hit me like a kind of freight train out of nowhere, but in a good way. I was overcome with the sense of freedom and joy. I could not wait to carry out my little mundane tasks like a regular mom and wife with no risks or fears.

I practically trotted out to my car and literally patted her like we hadn’t seen each other in a long time. I jumped in and buckled my seat belt and blasted the AC DC and the Led Zeppelin with my McDonalds fountain coke in hand and jammed it out all the way to the fruit and veggie market. I was actually the first in line as the doors open. Of course, I was still careful and had my hand sanitizer in hand and my mask on, but I didn’t care! I was actually out by myself and got there without having to get a ride from someone. The fruit and veggie mart was cold like walking into a refrigerator. Lots of people were complaining. Not me! I can’t remember the last time I was cold and not just overheating. My little bald self was bouncin around that market like I had never been there. I even found myself humming a little tune. I think I amused the check out lady because she commented,” Having a good day are we?” I said ” We certainly are! I haven’t been out by myself in a very long time. I am super grateful.” I think I made her day, especially since everyone around me was complaining about the cold.

On the way home and to my next stop at the grocery store, I actually got misty eyed because I was so happy. I just couldn’t believe my good fortune at being able to do something this basic and simple. It’s amazing how much you forget enjoying the basics when you don’t get to do them for a long time. Well, on that overly happy sappy note, I bid all of you a wonderful day. Keep being grateful for what you have. Realize how good life can be before it slips away from you.

Dr. Katz

Vacation! Oh how I missed you!

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N. 8 little letters but such a powerful word. A word that is supposed to fill you with anticipation, joy, and a sense of contentment. Well, I gotta tell ya. I cannot fully remember the last vacation when I wasn’t either in the hospital or facing some severe health diagnosis. There was no joy or relaxation involved. The word took on a whole set of new meanings: regret, isolation, and sadness.

I am so so thankful to report that now, I am actually on vacation for the first time in a long time when I am not in the hospital or facing something imminently terrible. I am so so grateful. I get to sleep in my own bed, not tethered to machinery or ivs. I get to look out my own window and see my beautiful yard and hear the birds sing instead of staring at the same old stretch of hospital cement and brick.

Am I planning any big trips? No. It’s not safe yet. But who cares? I am out of the hospital and getting healthier every day. I get to see my family. I got to go to my little cottage the other day and just soak it all in…the water, the wildlife, my little pontoon boat. It was so wonderful. Could I swim or anything yet in the lake. No, but again, who cares. I was just thrilled to be there.

I guess my bottom line is that a the meaning and the significance of a lot of things has shifted in these last 6 months. Well, the last three years actually with multiple bouts of cancer and other health issues. The importance of that is multi fold. I am learning how to cope with different things in different ways. I am re learning what is really important in life and I am relearning how to navigate through it. I would encourage everyone to take a step back and reevaluate your life, your surroundings and what’s the most important to you even before something awful happens. It could just help save your life and help you move forward after.

Dr. Katz

The first day back at the cottage was magical.

I finally go to make my first trip to our little cottage in almost a year. It was amazing. As soon as my mind registered that we were getting in the car to go to the cottage, an instant feeling of calm and peace came over me. Just the feeling of heading out there stimulates a sort of restorative healing mental process. That little shack truly is our haven as a family. All 850 square feet of it up on a hill top with a small area of lake frontage on a clear, spring-fed naturally occurring private lake. Pure heaven.

We pulled up to the little driveway and I could see the clear blue water with fish swimming and birds hanging out. I could see our old pontoon boat with a faded yellow biminy waiting for us. Our little jet ski was also hanging out waiting to be ridden. Our used power boat froggy was also there waiting for us. I knew I wasn’t allowed to swim yet but nothing gave me more joy than watching my family and pets swim together. It just felt so good just to be there. Nothing else mattered.

We had simple hot dogs for lunch and I could almost taste them. That was amazing. My taste still hasn’t fully come back yet but every day I am getting closer. My mouth no longer feels like it is covered in some kind of dull film that blunts everything. It no longer hurts to swallow every bite and drop. All wins.

I actually made it up our steep hill about twelve times today. That was pretty amazing too. I am not saying that I didn’t get out of breath at all, but I made it. That was the point.

I actually took a power nap today. You know one of those naps that only lasts 45 min to an hour and is supposed to completely refresh you. Well I can tell you right now that I never believed in them nor found them refreshing but guess what, I had one today and it was amazing.

I know am getting repetitive but every step toward normal life is such a blessing. I will never forget where I’ve been and what I have been through but I am thoroughly enjoying each little step that I am able to master and each inch I creep toward normal life. Staying blessed and grateful. Take note of the little things in life. You never know how long they or you will get to stay.

Dr. Katz

It’s today! It’s today!

The coveted day has finally arrived. The day I get to go home. The day I get to see my family again. The day I get to see my pets again. The day I get to see my yard again. The day I get to see my house again. Whoohoo. I can hardly wait for noon to come.

I can’t wait for the moment my husband comes to get me. I can’t wait to see my silly old car again. I can’t wait to take in the moment that I am actually leaving the hospital and heading for the open road.

It’s amazing the amount of things that you take for granted when you just get to have them. I guess I am not quite saying that correctly. Nothing has ever been just given to me. I have worked my butt off for everything I have. I have tried very hard to earn everything. I just mean that you don’t realize how much you miss a view or your family or just basically being able to stare out a car window knowing you are finally going somewhere you actually want to go until you can’t for awhile. Basically, right and now, and even before now, I feel grateful from my head to my toes for every little thing. Has it been rough? Hell yeah! Did I have moments when I was wondering if I was going to make it out of this? Yep! Just days ago in fact. But guess what? Today is a new day people. Let the new beginning take flight! Have a wonderful day everybody!

Dr. Katz

I pinky swear I haven’t forgotten how to be grateful. I’m just not taking things as well.

See the source image

The last couple of years have been really hard. My children were sick. We have all been “living” with a pandemic raging around us. I battled cancer. My husband tried to die from a heart attack. The list goes on. I know I know. You all know this already. Despite all this, I have continued to make it my mission to be a beacon of positivity unlike the planet has ever known. I am constantly in search of the bright side or the retrieval of the positive, no matter how small a portion it is. I get signs from the universe all the time that this is what I am supposed to do. I have had complete strangers reach out to me for help and guidance, which I love and I am happy to give. That is truly me in my element: helping people. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

So, I have spent all this time being tough and positive…still am. However, I find myself struggling a bit lately. It’s all fun and games when everything is going my way, so to speak. But, I have noticed sometimes, that when something doesn’t, it kind of crushes me for a hot minute before I can get a hold of myself. I start resenting and complaining, or freaking out all together. This kind of reaction is somewhat foreign to me and I find myself saying “Whoa Katz. Get a grip why don’t ya? You have been through way worse shit than this for chrissake!” ” You are alive! Does anything else really matter?” Most of the time that works, but I find myself having to do it more and more often lately and that bothers me.

Part of me realizes that there is an element of PTSD circulating around my brain with my serotonin, trying to convince me that there is only a matter of time before another shoe drops. It insidiously permeates my life still, forcing unreasonable reactions and fears. It is pretty par for the course after what I have been through. I think that my goal for now is to stop trying to push it away and acknowledge it and deal with it. I think that by trying to suppress it, I am actually giving the PTSD more power than it already has. I assure you that I have been taking all the outward steps: showing up to counselling, reading about it, talking to myself like I said, nodding when my therapist explains it to me. But, I really haven’t been doing the internal work. I have been so busy pushing forward toward my happiness mission that I haven’t really allowed myself time to recover or react.

This really smacked me in the face last Friday. I went for my routine mammogram. Some of the same techs were there that were with me last year when all my cancer stuff was ramping up. I got my mammogram done and those 45 angle views really pulled at my lymphedema on the side of my neck and it started to throb and hurt. Everybody did everything right..and I should have expected this to happen and prepared, but I didn’t. Instead, I laughed it off at the moment and went upstairs to my office, only to start bawling my head off in a flood of cancer memories the moment my MA asked me if I was alright. I just couldn’t stop. One memory/flashback after another started just flooding me over and over. I actually had to leave the office and felt really guilty doing it on top of it. I knew I just couldn’t be my best self for patients though. I literally cried half the day as I reexperienced everything from the whole last year all over again. Sheesh.

My point is, that I really have missed the boat on recovery and reaction somewhat. The strategy I thought was helping me “not to wallow” was actually preventing me from processing what was going on with me. I pushed it down and just kept pushing forward instead. By not allowing myself the time to really go through things…..while I was going through things…..I didn’t really do myself any good. Sure, I got through my cancer experience and survived. That is definitely a win. But, I bottled so much stuff up that now it bubbles over when I don’t expect it. That’s no good either.

The bottom line is that I am very grateful to be a survivor and I love helping others survive whatever they are going through, life-threatening or not. But, in order to truly survive and thrive on top of that, I have to allow myself to process and react to experiences when I have them. I need to not punish myself or second guess reactions and just….have them. I have to realize that, no matter how tough I am, I am still human. I need to give myself the same consideration and time that I give to everyone else. I promise that I’ll work on it.

Dr. Katz

Thanksgiving

The actual definition of Thanksgiving Day is a national holiday in the United States that commemorates the date in 1621 on which the colonists and the Wampanoag tribe shared a feast celebrating the Autumn harvest. There has been a lot of controversy regarding the accuracy of the retelling of this bit of history. Nonetheless we continue to celebrate it centuries later with turkey, family, football and feasting.

Why is Thanksgiving so important? The name kind of gives it away..Thanks giving. It is a day to give thanks and to celebrate gratititude. It is a day to realize the blessings you have and cherish them. It is a day to gather with family and tell stories. It is a day that is not focused on material things like gift giving. It celebrates positivity itself.

So, now that we know why Thanksgiving is important, let’s talk about the practice of it. How was your Thanksgiving? Did you celebrate family and what you have? Or did you bemoan the world in general, talk about COVID, and complain about what is not going your way? Our house was pretty peaceful and celebratory, but I am concerned that was not the norm or the majority for others. Do we still know how to be grateful and give thanks? Or is peaceful thankfulness just a distant memory for too many at this point? Sometimes I find it difficult to remember a time when the majority of people that I come across had at least one good thing to say or focus on. I am not asking for the world here. I am just asking to be able to start a conversation with someone that does not start with a complaint or some sort of discontent. I am guilty of it too at times. Most of the time, when someone asks me how I am doing I give my stock answer, “Living the dream!” I give this answer for several reasons: 1) I actually believe it, 2) I don’t want them to worry( there has been a lot to worry about lately), and 3) I know in my heart that most people don’t actually want to know. They are just asking to be polite. Other times I start rambling word vomit about everything that is going on or frustrating me before I can stop myself, even though I can tell immediately that the other person regrets asking by the look on their face.

I am not sure why I do it. I am basically a positive person and try my hardest to maintain that, even with everything that life has thrown at me lately. I really want to keep that going but even I fall into that trap that I feel like the rest of the world is in sometimes. So, I ask the big question again. Have we forgotten how to be grateful, positive, or happy? Is the norm of negativity so engrained at this point that there is no turning back? I hope not. I can tell you this though. If we don’t start looking a little harder for the things that give us joy and pushing aside the negative focus that is locking us in, the damage that we are causing to ourselves will be irreparable.

Dr. Katz

Is It Time To Be Thankful Yet?

So, Thanksgiving just passed. Did we all remember to be thankful, or did we get mired down in complaining about not seeing the usual volume of family members and bemoan the current status of the COVID pandemic? I think that a lot of people fell into the second category, if they are being honest. I admit that, even though I have realized all of my current blessings, I still fall prey to the diffuse and sometimes oppressive fatigue of depression that has followed me around for the last 9 months, despite all my best efforts. This begs the question then, when is it time to be thankful? The answer is: RIGHT NOW! For a lot of us, things aren’t really going our way and haven’t for a long time. The economy is tough. Family relations are strained. Family members have been lost. People are fed up and spend a little too much time like little powder kegs ready to blow at the slightest opportunity for conflict. On top of that, the capacity for empathy is not so great right now. I have to admit that, even my standards for thankfulness have had to be lowered a bit just to keep things in perspective and convince myself that I am not “reaching too high.” …lol. Still, I am above ground, I have a family to miss, I have my health ( most days), and I still get to do what I love and take care of people. Essentially, it is all I really need so you betcha I am thankful. Don’t let me kid you. I have ” days” like everyone else. I am still human. We are all feeling the struggle right now. It’s a normal human response to the sense of loss of control and freedom. But, just when you feel that whine coming on I urge you to think twice before you do it. There is always the possibility that someone is worse off than you.

Dr. Katz