Tag: grateful

I forgot how awesome it is to help bring life into the world

Subscribe to continue reading

Become a paid subscriber to get access to the rest of this post and other exclusive content.

It’s today! It’s today!

The coveted day has finally arrived. The day I get to go home. The day I get to see my family again. The day I get to see my pets again. The day I get to see my yard again. The day I get to see my house again. Whoohoo. I can hardly wait for noon to come.

I can’t wait for the moment my husband comes to get me. I can’t wait to see my silly old car again. I can’t wait to take in the moment that I am actually leaving the hospital and heading for the open road.

It’s amazing the amount of things that you take for granted when you just get to have them. I guess I am not quite saying that correctly. Nothing has ever been just given to me. I have worked my butt off for everything I have. I have tried very hard to earn everything. I just mean that you don’t realize how much you miss a view or your family or just basically being able to stare out a car window knowing you are finally going somewhere you actually want to go until you can’t for awhile. Basically, right and now, and even before now, I feel grateful from my head to my toes for every little thing. Has it been rough? Hell yeah! Did I have moments when I was wondering if I was going to make it out of this? Yep! Just days ago in fact. But guess what? Today is a new day people. Let the new beginning take flight! Have a wonderful day everybody!

Dr. Katz

I pinky swear I haven’t forgotten how to be grateful. I’m just not taking things as well.

See the source image

The last couple of years have been really hard. My children were sick. We have all been “living” with a pandemic raging around us. I battled cancer. My husband tried to die from a heart attack. The list goes on. I know I know. You all know this already. Despite all this, I have continued to make it my mission to be a beacon of positivity unlike the planet has ever known. I am constantly in search of the bright side or the retrieval of the positive, no matter how small a portion it is. I get signs from the universe all the time that this is what I am supposed to do. I have had complete strangers reach out to me for help and guidance, which I love and I am happy to give. That is truly me in my element: helping people. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

So, I have spent all this time being tough and positive…still am. However, I find myself struggling a bit lately. It’s all fun and games when everything is going my way, so to speak. But, I have noticed sometimes, that when something doesn’t, it kind of crushes me for a hot minute before I can get a hold of myself. I start resenting and complaining, or freaking out all together. This kind of reaction is somewhat foreign to me and I find myself saying “Whoa Katz. Get a grip why don’t ya? You have been through way worse shit than this for chrissake!” ” You are alive! Does anything else really matter?” Most of the time that works, but I find myself having to do it more and more often lately and that bothers me.

Part of me realizes that there is an element of PTSD circulating around my brain with my serotonin, trying to convince me that there is only a matter of time before another shoe drops. It insidiously permeates my life still, forcing unreasonable reactions and fears. It is pretty par for the course after what I have been through. I think that my goal for now is to stop trying to push it away and acknowledge it and deal with it. I think that by trying to suppress it, I am actually giving the PTSD more power than it already has. I assure you that I have been taking all the outward steps: showing up to counselling, reading about it, talking to myself like I said, nodding when my therapist explains it to me. But, I really haven’t been doing the internal work. I have been so busy pushing forward toward my happiness mission that I haven’t really allowed myself time to recover or react.

This really smacked me in the face last Friday. I went for my routine mammogram. Some of the same techs were there that were with me last year when all my cancer stuff was ramping up. I got my mammogram done and those 45 angle views really pulled at my lymphedema on the side of my neck and it started to throb and hurt. Everybody did everything right..and I should have expected this to happen and prepared, but I didn’t. Instead, I laughed it off at the moment and went upstairs to my office, only to start bawling my head off in a flood of cancer memories the moment my MA asked me if I was alright. I just couldn’t stop. One memory/flashback after another started just flooding me over and over. I actually had to leave the office and felt really guilty doing it on top of it. I knew I just couldn’t be my best self for patients though. I literally cried half the day as I reexperienced everything from the whole last year all over again. Sheesh.

My point is, that I really have missed the boat on recovery and reaction somewhat. The strategy I thought was helping me “not to wallow” was actually preventing me from processing what was going on with me. I pushed it down and just kept pushing forward instead. By not allowing myself the time to really go through things…..while I was going through things…..I didn’t really do myself any good. Sure, I got through my cancer experience and survived. That is definitely a win. But, I bottled so much stuff up that now it bubbles over when I don’t expect it. That’s no good either.

The bottom line is that I am very grateful to be a survivor and I love helping others survive whatever they are going through, life-threatening or not. But, in order to truly survive and thrive on top of that, I have to allow myself to process and react to experiences when I have them. I need to not punish myself or second guess reactions and just….have them. I have to realize that, no matter how tough I am, I am still human. I need to give myself the same consideration and time that I give to everyone else. I promise that I’ll work on it.

Dr. Katz

Thanksgiving

The actual definition of Thanksgiving Day is a national holiday in the United States that commemorates the date in 1621 on which the colonists and the Wampanoag tribe shared a feast celebrating the Autumn harvest. There has been a lot of controversy regarding the accuracy of the retelling of this bit of history. Nonetheless we continue to celebrate it centuries later with turkey, family, football and feasting.

Why is Thanksgiving so important? The name kind of gives it away..Thanks giving. It is a day to give thanks and to celebrate gratititude. It is a day to realize the blessings you have and cherish them. It is a day to gather with family and tell stories. It is a day that is not focused on material things like gift giving. It celebrates positivity itself.

So, now that we know why Thanksgiving is important, let’s talk about the practice of it. How was your Thanksgiving? Did you celebrate family and what you have? Or did you bemoan the world in general, talk about COVID, and complain about what is not going your way? Our house was pretty peaceful and celebratory, but I am concerned that was not the norm or the majority for others. Do we still know how to be grateful and give thanks? Or is peaceful thankfulness just a distant memory for too many at this point? Sometimes I find it difficult to remember a time when the majority of people that I come across had at least one good thing to say or focus on. I am not asking for the world here. I am just asking to be able to start a conversation with someone that does not start with a complaint or some sort of discontent. I am guilty of it too at times. Most of the time, when someone asks me how I am doing I give my stock answer, “Living the dream!” I give this answer for several reasons: 1) I actually believe it, 2) I don’t want them to worry( there has been a lot to worry about lately), and 3) I know in my heart that most people don’t actually want to know. They are just asking to be polite. Other times I start rambling word vomit about everything that is going on or frustrating me before I can stop myself, even though I can tell immediately that the other person regrets asking by the look on their face.

I am not sure why I do it. I am basically a positive person and try my hardest to maintain that, even with everything that life has thrown at me lately. I really want to keep that going but even I fall into that trap that I feel like the rest of the world is in sometimes. So, I ask the big question again. Have we forgotten how to be grateful, positive, or happy? Is the norm of negativity so engrained at this point that there is no turning back? I hope not. I can tell you this though. If we don’t start looking a little harder for the things that give us joy and pushing aside the negative focus that is locking us in, the damage that we are causing to ourselves will be irreparable.

Dr. Katz