Tag: grown up

They say my personality has changed

I am told as of late that my personality has changed. I have become more irritable, a little shorter in temper, and I tend to say what needs to be said whether someone is ready to hear it or not.

I have a few different theories on why this is happening. Before I go on, I want to make it clear that I am making active strides not to evolve into a butthole in therapy as well. Just wanted you to know. Theory number one is that I battled not one but two cancers in the last three years. The most recent one was brain cancer for chrissake. Literally at one point in time not more than a year ago my brain was over half overtaken by tumor and swelling. I have to believe that that leaves some long-term changes behind, despite how far I have come from that point. I did a hell of lot of hard work, perserverence, suffering, and fear-battling in addition to battling the cancers. I was at everyone else’s mercy at any one point in time. A girl gets impatient with even the littler things after awhile because you just want something to go your way at some point. Things get out of proportion.

In terms of my second theory, I got put on Keppra for the intense seizure activity and I am still on it. Well I am here to tell ya the list of side effects from Keppra are like a mile long and a ton of them are psychological like depression, anxiety, and irritability. The term Keppra rage has been quoted to me by multiple patients. Ok, I am willing to admit that this could be a factor as well and I am hoping that my upcoming EEG will reveal that maybe I can start weaning off it since the reason I was put on it in the first place is not really valid anymore. Fingers crossed but no worries. I am not about to do anything stupid that would result in me not being able to drive or do anything for myself.

My third theory is that just maybe I have finally gotten old enough and have been through enough that I have lost the infinite patience I used to have for BS and crap. I just don’t feel like i have the time to deal with it anymore. This is not me saying I have decided to stop listening anymore. Absolutely not. I also realize that everyone’s perception of what is truly painful or impactful is very different. I know I have to allow for that variation.

The bottom line is I may in fact be a little crabbier and a little less tolerant, but I think it is all explainable. I am trying my best to remain myself and spread as much positivity, empowerment, and good into the world as I can. I can promise you I will faithfully keep up these efforts. Just bare with me for now if you could. I appreciate it.

Dr. Katz

The Nissan and the Lexuses..or….why don’t I fit in?

Every morning, my little Rogue and I drive to work together. When I find my way into the parking lot at the hospital, I am always greeted by a fleet of Lexuses, Teslas, and Maseratis, etc, all parked incorrectly, the vast majority taking up more than one spot. I drive around and around, looking for somewhere to park and end up finding something a little more remote, despite my doctor’s parking pass, and I squeeze my little Rogue in and head up to my office. Sometimes I look back at my goofy little car with the Mechagodzilla on the dash and my fuzzy dice in the window and just kind of giggle a bit. It does look kind of out of place amongst all the other luxury vehicles but it’s just…more….me.

I realize at that moment that it is kind of a metaphor for how I don’t exactly fit with my colleagues at any one time. I have spikey hair. I have tattoos. I don’t act like I am better than anyone else. I talk with people not at them. I am not employed or owned by anyone. I don’t see a high volume of patients like cattle on certain days. I say what I think while at least attempting to be professional and appropriate at the same time. I am pretty goofy and I like to laugh. My job is not just a drudgery to me. I love it and hopefully it shows! ( By the way, I am not saying that everyone is like this. These are just some differences I have noticed over the years in some cases.)

I used to perseverate a LOT about the fact that I was so different. I felt this pressure to conform, fit in, be a grown up all the time, get in line….all that. In fact, I worried about that until this last year as a matter of fact. Then, I got cancer and my whole world changed. I definitely had an epiphany YOLO moment. I realized that life is too short to try to mold yourself to others’ models. Being you is your best chance to be able to live YOUR life at YOUR best. In fact, I have noticed that since embracing my uniqueness more lately, I feel like I have attracted more patients, built better relationships , and been more successful. I think the key was getting more comfortable with who I am and caring less about the opinions of others. That removed an unnecessary distraction that was just getting in the way of my own success. Now, let me be clear, I am not advising anyone to be out of control or fly in the face of every applicable convention that is laid before them. I am not saying to never go by the rules. I am just saying to enjoy….being……YOU!

Dr. Katz