I have been pummelled lately with the adage that when you have cancer, your whole family does to and everyone that cares about you. At first I was like NO WAY! and THAT’S RIDICULOUS! No one else has tumors all over their body! No one else is getting poison shoved into their veins. C’MON! And then, I took a minute and got over myself and realized that that is not what that statement means. It doesn’t mean that everybody else is going through all the physical aspects of the cancer. It means that they are on their own emotional journey because the cancer is affecting someone they care about and they feel kind of helpless about it. They are having their own whirlwind of thoughts and feelings all the time as well. They have sorrow and sadness and anger all at the same time too. They need counselling too. The anger to me is actually sadder than the plain old sadness. I notice with my own family that I get caught in the crossfire of all of those feeling more than I care to. It is strange though, because, even though I get a lot of anger directed toward me, it doesn’t mean that they are actually angry at me. The way they describe it is that they are angry about what is happening to me and they don’t know how to express it. Well, combine that type of misdirected miscommunication with a dose of my current oversensitivity( and me being off prozac to boot) and we have a real mess on our hands at times. Suffice it to say, we are keeping the therapy offices busy right now and it still doesn’t always work out the best. It is a work in progress to be sure. Having said that, now that I have a better understanding of what that statement means, I can make better attempts at not taking their emotions personally. So maybe, if they can try a little harder not to misdirect and I can try a little harder to understand that they are going through stuff too, we can do a little better together.
Just remember before you read this…..it is for fun only.
Yup. It’s started already. One little diagnosis of cancer and everyone thinks you are immediately transformed into a broken china doll that can’t do anything for herself. I swear to God even the dogs treat me differently. Frannie is constantly looking at me with a weird sort of sad, worried expression on her furry face. She is stuck to me like velcro at all times and watches my every move. She doesn’t even rudely jump on top of me anymore. She just sort of slinks up on the couch and gingerly slides in next to me. Hmm. Interesting. They say that cancer makes you smell differently to a dog. So, maybe someday when my cancer stink is not as strong she will go back to jumping on me all the time and being ridiculous. Wait? Do I really want that?
My family makes me alert them to the possibility that I may actually want to bathe or go to the bathroom by myself, in case I should fall or something. However, to be fair, I did splat on the floor a time or two before so I really have to give them that one. Ok. Ok. They also don’t want me lifting, pushing or pulling anything….ever! But then they aren’t available when something needs to be lifted pushed or pulled. Ugh! What choice does a girl have? This is why Christmas decorations will be up until 2022. I am sure of it.
Now these same folks that want to treat you like a fragile little thing also don’t seem to mind when you sneakily did something that works to their advantage, like make them a gourmet dinner because you literally had nothing else to do! But, that’s only human I guess. Who doesn’t like good food?
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not all bad being let out of certain things. For example, watching everybody load the horses into the trailer themselves and pack everything while I just lounged in the car? Pretty fantastic. Not having to be the one to actually drive everybody everywhere and sometimes I just get to ride along? Also not complainin. If only I could pick and choose tho! It would be great to be able to decide on the spot when I want to be waited on hand and foot versus when I want to tear around like Wonder Woman. Just sayin. I completely get that there are things that I simply cannot do at times. Sometimes I am so weak and tired that I feel like the energy was sucked out of me with a funnel. These are the times that I desperately need help and I thank God for my amazing army. Then, other times I want to grumble and do what I want anyway because I am feeling resentful and frustrated at the limitations. The bottom line is, I just need to learn to be patient with my peeps and with myself. They are all trying to help and they are definitely better at it than I am at helping myself. For now, all I can tell you is that I’ll work on it. Have an amazing day!