Tag: punish

Feel like there are no options left? I am telling you that there are. Let’s discuss it right now.

What I am talking about is violence and abuse. Yes, that’s right, Violence and abuse, whether it be toward you, your kids, your relatives or whoever. It is everywhere and increasing every day. I am faced with an ever-increasing amount of patients who are facing this issue regularly.

So, what’s the worst that could happen? Well, someone could actually end up dead or permanently damaged in some way for one. Dead. Never coming back. Dead. Someone could end up permanently emotionally damaged and use that as an excuse to continue that style of behavior and life even into their next phase of life or worse, if they were an abused child or spouse, continue on to abuse their children or next spouse because that is the scenario they are familiar with or they are using that as their excuse. The things that I hear the most is ” I just don’t know what to do. or…That’s how I was brought up…or..That’s the same stuff I went through….or….It’s all I know.

These are the most heart breaking responses I ever here. I picture in my mind the terrified children or the terrified spouse or girlfriend. When there is abuse going on, everyone suffers, not just the person actually undergoing the abuse. It has wide ranging, awful ripple effects. Too often I am trying to work with someone that has already given up and just figures that there is nothing they can do and that is just the way that it is.

I am here to tell you that that is not true. Despite what you think, there are always possible options, if you chose to take them. They require fortitude, strategy, secrecy, and sometimes heartbreaking techniques, but they can be done. I refuse to believe that there is no option. Before I go any further, I need to tell you that I personally have had more than my fair share of abuse and violence in my past. I had to keep secrets that no one should have to keep. I had to live through things that no one should have to live through. So, I get it. There is no easy way out. Finally, as an adult I try my best to live a healthy life and be a good parent to my kids and be a good wife to my husband and break the former cycle. I am telling you there is a way to make it stop and move forward, even if there is no one that you currently know who can show you.

First, before you even get started you have to give yourself a moment of calm to begin planning. You need to have a relocation plan, even if it is to a safe house or local shelter. You need to set aside a separate source of funds. You need to get your papers in order. You need to be willing to stop and accept and sacrifice yourself or worse, your children as if you somehow deserve it. NO ONE deserves abuse. NO ONE! You need to value yourself and your kids enough to get the heck out of there before something irreparable happens. If it is safe to do so, you need to stand up to that partner or spouse and say look, my poor heart may love you for the rest of my life but my children and I cannot live with you another day if this crap keeps going on. If it is not safe to do that, then just get the heck away while you can and figure the rest out later. Nothing is worth risking your life, your childrens’ lives, or your mental health to stay.

I am telling you that it can be done. You can get away. You can begin to live a healthy life again. Please do not use your experiences as an excuse to re-enact the same poor behaviors to others or your kids. Please do not inadvertently teach your children that abuse is ok and that there is nothing you can do. I am living proof that it is possible. Here is the link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Please use it if you need it. They offer support in over 200 plus languages.

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Dr. Katz

I have been really struggling with how to be a good parent lately.

Parents tired of noisy children who are running and shouting Tired mother and father sitting on couch feels annoyed exhausted while noisy little daughter and son shouting run around sofa where parents resting. Too active hyperactive kids, need repose concept parenting stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images

Wow! I have been really struggling in the parent department lately. There have been so many unforeseen and unpredictable changes in the last two and a half years that have really affected my relationship with my kids and none of them are in my control.

The ongoing pandemic has ripped us all away from our usual social environments and has taken away many traditional milestones and events. As adults, we have missed out in person interactions with work colleagues, family gatherings, and the ability to be at loved one’s side during illness or hospitalization. This has been difficult but our capacity to recover is greater because, for the most part, we have plentiful stored memories to fall back on. For our kids, they are missing once in a lifetime experiences like prom, last sports games, and in person graduations. It has been argued that they should “get over it” because these events are nothing compared to high schoolers of the past who had to leave school to go off to war, etc. Last time I checked, no one is comparing prom to Nam and they shouldn’t start now. Missing these key social interactions has caused some long-lasting psychological damage for these kids. They will never get these moments back. The level of depression that I have seen is tremendous and it affects everything.

On top of the pandemic, I got cancer and my husband had a heart attack, one right after the other. My kids almost lost both parents in one year. As much as they put up an outside facade, I know this affected them tremendously. How could it not? They don’t treat us the same way. I get the feeling that, even though we survived, a part of them didn’t. A part of them walks around every day waiting for the next shoe to drop and they can’t seem to stop. There is just a little air of underlying depression and doom almost every day. It kind of breaks my heart.

There has also been a sense of life is too short no matter what is going on for them. This sounds like it should be a healthy realization, encouraging them to live life to the fullest, but instead I worry that it has become an excuse for unhealthy choices and directions. I am just at a loss as to how to handle it.

As a parent, I feel like I should be jumping on or punishing these poor choices or at least trying to redirect them. I worry that I am not doing my job if I don’t. I am concerned that it will seem like I don’t care if I don’t react. But really, it’s not true. I talked to my therapist about this. She explained to me that punishments don’t really work in this situation. Most punishments that I could think of would really only punish me and the other people relying on my kids in the long run. Taking away phones, jobs, privileges, and cars just mean that I will have to do a lot more driving, spending, and won’t be able to communicate remotely with my kids. She assured me that I am not being a bad parent by not reacting to every single thing and leaving some things up to my kids to figure out. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t erase my validity as a parent. Ultimately, the consequences of their actions need to be theirs. Making myself overly upset about it does not help anything and is counterproductive. She advised me to take a step back and I think she is right. Overly obsessing and punishing and trying to address every little thing only increases my stress, increases the negative attention impact on my relationship with my kids and gets me no where. It can only end badly. I need to put a stop to the distracting inner struggle and keep growing and moving forward. I need to refocus. I need to no longer punish myself for not being there when I was sick or my husband was sick. I need to be patient. I can help them more by living my best life by example than fighting every day. I am not saying that I plan to let them run me over. There are limits. I am just saying that I need to pace myself and realize what is really important. Everything I have been through, my kids have been going through too and it’s not over yet. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.

Dr. Katz