Tag: therapist

I’ve got to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop!

As most of you know, the majority of the last three years of my life have been just this side of hellacious and gut wrenching. I have spent the majority of it fighting for my life through two different cancers, trying to save my business so I had something to come back to, taking care of my employees, and trying to soothe my family’s concerns. All of which I have done willingly with positive attitude and fortitude.

Well now, the universe has significantly shifted. There are a ton of positive things going on. My family is doing ok. The finances are turning around. My business has survived. My daughters are getting to follow their dreams…and….I am healthy and aware enough to enjoy it! Heck even the Detroit Tigers and the Detroit Lions are winning!

There is not a day that goes by that I am not humble and super grateful for everything that is happenning and I am putting out the good mojo wherever I go. Still, there is this penetrating inner fear inside me that it may all disappear again. There is literally a part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop, even though I have no indicators that it will. There is even a part of me that wonders if others are suffering in exchange for all the good luck that I seem to be getting.

Yes. I get it. Those are not healthy thoughts. Well thank goodness for the magic of an excellent astute therapist who gives it to me straight and helps me reset my ptsd thinking process. I tell here honestly about these kind of things and she looks at me and says ” Are you kidding me right now? You are wondering if you deserve these good things? You are wondering if other people are at risk of being hurt because good things are happening to you? I nod yes and then she smiles at me and goes on to tell me that the last time she checked, I have been working my ass off just to survive and help everyone else and try to save my finances and my business at the same time. I am definitely due for some good fortune. I have earned it in a way and I should not feel guilty for having it. I should just enjoy and go with the flow. It is not a logical way to think that others are potentially being punished at the expense of my good luck or positive things happening. Ok, I get it. Logically I know this but sometimes it is hard to relax and merely enjoy after all that has happened.

So, the bottom line of all of this is that I am going to keep up with the therapy. I am going to continue to work on my though process and continue to soak up the joy that I am experiencing right now and have great hope and not dread for the future. I want to be around for a long time more and fully embrace the positive turn of events. It will be ok.

Dr. Katz

Sometimes it’s hard not to get jealous

Being a cancer patient definitely has it’s challenges. I think we all can agree. Feeling sick, fatigue, nausea, loss of appetite, hair loss, shortness of breath are the things that we tend to think of first as the top issues that cancer patients face. However, there is another challenge that insidiously creeps it’s way into your life: envy and resentment. It’s not good. It affects your mood and your relationships. It is just as unpredictable as the cancer itself. It can make you wallow in self pity, even when you don’t mean to. It can make you lash out at the people that care about you and are trying to help you. What am I talking about exactly? I am talking about that feeling of jealousy and resentment that creeps up on you over time that you misdirect toward anyone in the way. What do you become jealous and resentful of?: anyone that is living a full life and doing what they want when you can’t! You become like that puppy dog at the window hoping to go for a ride in the car somewhere, anywhere. The real you spends your time encouraging everyone around you to keep living and do what they love, even if you are sick. Then the other you starts muttering under your breath, crying and cursing them as they leave you. It is completely ridiculous I know and it’s unfair both to you and the people in your life. It basically boils down to emotional abuse for all of you. Nothing good can come of it. I have done it myself.

However, as I sit chastising and judging myself for doing it, I also have to realize that some of these confusing emotions have to come with the territory. It is only natural for you to feel out of control emotions in a pretty out of control situation. I mean c’mon, the cancer is already unpredictably calling most of the shots when it comes to day to day physical living. Why wouldn’t your emotions be all over the place? I think the key is not that those emotions are there, but what you do with them. You can’t erase your feelings, but you can try to control yourself so they don’t run other people over like some kind of freight train. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Don’t lash out at the people trying to help you. That won’t help resolve the feelings and only leaves you feeling bad about yourself. That certainly won’t help you heal any faster. Here is where therapy has come in very handy, at least for me. I highly recommend it and I think every patient facing serious illness should have it. It is a much better option to let out those feelings to a paid professional who is trained in how to help you deal with them, rather than blasting your family who is only trying to help you. It might just save your relationships.

Dr.Katz