Tag: toxic

Nope, blood ties do not entitle or excuse you.

For those of you that have read my autobiography, Me Myself and My Story, you already know that there is whole lot of family issues, abuses, tragedies, mental health trouble that has flowed freely throughout my life. Having said all that, I still am grateful that I have turned out the way that I did and I am proud of the person I choose to be. Part of the point of writing that autobiography was not to be a vengeful tell all, it was hopefully to point out that any person still possesses the right to choose a better direction somehow if they want to. I like to think that I am a prime example of that.

Having said that, yes, there have been multiple family members that I have not been close to for years for various reasons. Some of them took in negative input fed to them by others with no opportunity for me to repute it. I didn’t even know that was going on in the first place. Fortunately a lot of those folks have come around and are now in my life again and I am very grateful. There were a lot of years wasted and missed though.

To add to this, I realize that I have done things that have upset people. In my perspective, those things were done with a purpose and intention for good and for protection. I have sent people to prison for abuse. I have spoken my mind at public gatherings. I have dismissed certain people from my life when their level of toxicity crossed the boundary that I had set and was literally compromising my mental and physical health. I do not regret any of these actions. They are what I had to do to protect myself and my family. I have to admit, I do not understand those who force themselves into family holidays and gatherings despite a long history of abuse and mistreatment. I am not sure if they feel that they don’t have any choice or if they are supposed to because there are blood ties involved. Either way, it only allows further damage and abuse to continue. I have seen many people dismiss past wrongs with no concrete apology or resolution. I understand that forgiveness is divine, but for myself, I need at least a little actualization that it happened in the first place or even the two little words “I’m sorry.” for that to be enough for me to re-interact. I feel like that is a minimum requirement to say the least. I have come to realize the phrase friends are the family that you chose is quite accurate. As much time as I have struggled to maintain family relationships, I have not noticed all the friends and non-toxic family members that are right there waiting to spend time with me. This is something that I have vowed to strive better for in my future. This is a plan that I am going to stick with.

I just want to end this explaining myself session with some words of advice and self-advocacy. No blood ties justify or excuse terrible or abusive behavior. It is within your power to seek out non-toxic relationships for the benefit of yourself and your mental health. It is sometimes a very difficult decision, but is definitely the healthier one.

Have a peaceful day.

Dr. Katz

Teenage bliss?

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Remember how “they” always told us that high school and college were some of the best years of our lives? That these were the times to be free, live it up and soak up as much of life as we could? It always seemed like nothing would ever compare to our teen years and that they would be something we could look back on fondly for the rest of our lives. Well, that kind of thinking may have worked for other generations, but I am willing to bet that today’s teens just don’t see it that way.

Take a look around. Today’s teenagers face unprecedented obstacles that are unique to them. They have had regular school interactions ripped away. They have had to miss out on many important last firsts like their last sporting event, or prom, or even walking in a graduation ceremony. I realize that there are those of you out there puffing your chests as we speak stating that the challenges facing today’s teens are nothing like what you had to face. For example, some of you had to face the possibility of going off to war after high school. This cannot possibly be compared to missing prom or graduation. I get it, but, before you get all upset and entitled, who was trying to? Was anyone really trying to suggest that missing prom and being drafted were comparable? I really don’t think so. As I mentioned, this generation of teenagers is facing a different level of challenges that are unique to them. It is not an implied competition between current and past obstacles. No is better or worse off than anyone else. The situations are just different. Let these kids have their pain and attempt to deal with it the best that they can. Even if you chose not to embrace it, these kids are, in fact, in pain and this pain is very real to them.

I see examples of this every day. A few weeks ago, I had a group of my daughter’s friends over (under five kids and no hugging or snuggling allowed) and just observed. First of all, it was the first time some of them had really seen anyone else, much less each other. There were tears and rambling speeches about how much they had missed each other. Their conversations were particularly intense and loaded, as if they were trying to communicate as much as possible in the shortest amount of time, just in case the opportunity never presented itself again. There was a deep sadness and angst that pervaded their conversations. Instead of talking about gossip, boys and gum, they talked about their anxiety, their tics, their medications. They talked about how toxic school was. They spoke of parents as enemies of ideas. It was all so negative. They had spent so much time with their own thoughts with no one to bounce them off of that they had developed whole conspiracy theories about school and all of their relationships. It was as if their faith in any sort of return to normality had been destroyed and they developed a series of psychological walls to convince themselves that normality was truly overrated anyway and that there was really nothing to miss in the first place. I sat back and listened with my heart heavy. I wanted to interject and grab them all and hug them ( not very COVID PC) and remind them that it will all be ok at some point. Still, I didn’t make the gesture for two reasons: 1) I didn’t want to interrupt. These were the wild thoughts that they literally and physically needed to get off their chests. and 2) I wasn’t entirely sure myself that things would be ok eventually and I didn’t know what further harm I could cause by raising false hope.

As I said, these kids are in pain and they need help. Now more than ever they need us to listen and provide counsel and a sounding board. They need some kind of structure to cling to and see their way through life. I know that we all have our own frustrations right now economically, physically and emotionally as well, but we have to suck it up somewhat as adults. These kids haven’t had enough life experience or tools to effectively deal with all of the change happening around them just yet. Whether they want to accept it or we want to admit it, they need us more than ever right now. All of our roles have changed. We are no longer just parents or just teachers or even just friends for them. We are sometimes their only consistent connection to the world at the moment. We all need to be a little understanding and work a little harder to make sure that that connection is a healthy one. Otherwise, who knows what the future will hold for them….or us.