Tag: warrior

Just think, two years ago my friends and family were throwing a benefit for my brain cancer and now today, I am playing in a concert instead!

Wow! Just wow! A whole crap ton of good has happened in just two years. I am sitting here on my couch, with a head full of hair, looking outside at all the Michigan winter goodness. I am not nauseated. I am not bald. I am not waiting to hear if I am going to live or die. My dogs are passed out next to me. I am blogging comfortably to all of you!

This is really freaking awesome. I am feeling so grateful and so at peace. I am grateful to just be alive and on this planet. I am grateful to feel well enough to pause to almost complain(lol) about daily trivial things. I am proud and amazed that both of my businesses still exist. I am grateful for my awesome family. I am grateful for my amazing staff. Yep, lots of gratitude here for sure. I can’t stop talking about it.

Just think about this for a minute, only two years ago I wasn’t completely sure that I was going to make it out of that second cancer. Yep, SECOND CANCER! As if one wasn’t enough somehow. Ok, I say that facetiously. Any cancer is more than enough. Sometimes, if you don’t take a minute to joke, you run the risk of being too emotional all the time.

Have all my significant hardships and health issues taken a toll? Well, of course they have! Who wouldn’t have a healthy side of ptsd at times after all I have been through. That is a normal response. I still have times where a random or twinge or perceived symptom somewhere shoots me over the edge in a second, until I have time to take a breath and regroup and remember that the present is very different than the past. I am not perfect at this but I am working on it. I work on this not over-reacting thing like every single day.

Still, having said all that, my overall attitude is one of gratitude. For all those of you out there who cannot fathom how I could feel blessed in anyway, think again! It is a matter of perspective my friends! The bottom line is that I still have the pleasure of existence on this planet! I am still able to care for my family! I am still able to take care of women everywhere! What’s not a blessing about that?! Yep, I’m gonna go with the I am blessed attitude. Have a fantastic day everyone! Embrace what you got. You never know when it could be taken away. Enjoy what’s good right now dangit!

Dr. Katz

It’s not really true that it’s over. The facts of being a cancer patient.

I saw a post from a friend of mine that really touched my heart and I want to talk about it. This friend has a lovely daughter that suffered from cancer and then a relapse and is having continuing health issues that are saddening and frustrating. It’s as if the initial battle is over but the long-term war is still going. Worse yet, my friend has the impression that no one understands or cares.

Well, I’ll tell ya right now that I understand AND care! This is a firsthand testimonial for me as well. I am a two-time successful cancer warrior with all kinds of ongoing health issues and consequenes. I am grateful to report that I successfully battled both hodgkins lymphoma and primary cns lymphoma. Yep that’s right, whole body cancer and brain cancer, all in a four-year time span. And yet, I am very grateful to report that I still get to be here to crab about it. That is awesome! Who thought I would still even be here in as recently as two years ago. Yep, definitely a big win. Also, I have decided to turn my crazy experiences around and create positive things out of them like my Chemo Peeps group on Facebook. I have decided to use what I went through to help others and pick up the slack for everyone else who is potentially letting them down. I am totally in!

As far as my poor friend, I completely get how if even the acute battle is over, the ongoing war continues, probably forever or at least five years or so. This is why I am afraid to even use the word survivor because I think it implies a kind of permanence that is not really realistic. Heck, I am not even a total of five years out from my first cancer, much less the second. Wow that is a lot to think about. I have all kinds of ongoing medical issues that are the result of my cancers and the treatment for my cancers.

Let’s rattle off a partial list. My thyroid was destroyed with my first cancer treatment, which was not picked up right away until I was almost comatose from sleepiness. That is an ongoing juggling battle to titrate the correct dose so I can remain upright and not have my hair and skin get too dry and fall out. I now have a recurrence of my sleep apnea due to the crazy thyroid and all the fluid weight I retained after all the steroids. Hello cpap my old friend. I have ongoing neuropathies and myalgias that are very unpredictable and sometimes make it hard to move any given day, but I press on anyway. I have all kinds of side effects from the Keppra I was put on at the time when my brain was so full of cancer it was seizing uncontrollably and put me into a coma. We are talking Keppra rage, weird neuropathies, tingles in all the wrong places, crazy reflux, etc. Thank goodness I am on less Keppra now so the side effects are less, but not absent. Realistically, I know I am always going to need it though because I have enough scarring left in my brain because of the treatment that that alone can cause seizures even though the tumors are gone. My diabetes has gone a little nutty as well but I am busy wrastling that back under control with additional medication.

Let’s also talk about the left over emotional and psychological consequences. Yes. Yes. I have a certain amount of ptsd and mistrust after all my medical craziness. I get the slightest twinge and quickly assume the worst, before I try to self-calm and re realize that it is not likely. It takes me a minute though. I have had to go back on my Prozac for this and resume therapy to manage my emotional consequences and help me maintain any sense of calm.

I also get bothered by the fact that as a patient, you essentially have the perception that you have become boring after your particular physician’s part of your treatment is over. It’s as if their little tunnel approach excuses them from caring significantly about you afterward. Again, I am not saying that this is intentional, but I really feel that they have to be better about maintaining a vested interest after your acute treatment is over. It is by far not over for you and they still make you follow up at inconvenient times for at least five years afterward. I feel like this should mean more to them.

The bottom line is, yes, it is correct that the long-term war is still ongoing even after acute phase treatment has been completed. It does matter what you are still going through. Many people are unable to understand this, but, I have to admit, I don’t really need them to or want them to. I don’t wish on anyone what I have been through. This is not an experience I want to share with anyone. It is terrible and draining and awful. I am going to choose to support others and be there if they need me and share stories and support as needed. That’s all I can do at this point. We all need help sometimes regardless of what the issue is at the moment. I hope we can all try to be there for each other. Have the best day that you can and never stop advocating for yourself. That’s all for now.

Dr. Katz

The next scan is coming up…again

Guys, I can’t help it. There is like a little internal panic clock that starts ticking once I get within 2 weeks to a month of my next scan. I know they are all necessary. I also know that I have no concrete symptoms to tell me that anything is wrong. And yet, I still go off the rails somewhat. I swear to god I start having or making up some symptoms just due to anxiety. I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is true so I might as well admit it. I have gotten much better about calming myself down without pharmaceutical assistance tho, so that part is good.

Do any of you out there who have or have battled cancer before go through this? I know the answer is probably yes but I am just asking anyway. How do you deal with it? I am wondering to myself if it will ever go away. I have yet to actually make it to a 5 year post cancer mark with either of my cancers. I am almost there from my first cancer in 2021, but still not quite yet. It’s interesting that I hardly ever think about that one like it’s old news or something. It was still serious but very treatable. It’s almost as if the most recent brain cancer that I had overshadowed everything. Even tho it, too, was treatable thank goodness.

I have had many people tell me that I have no right to call myself lucky since I have had two cancers. I have had many people tell me that at least I had ” the good kind” of cancers. I am not always sure how to filter that input so I just end up smiling and nodding, and then walking in the other direction. As I have had time to think about it, I think that my own personal take on it is a combination of those two inputs.

Yes, I do think that I am lucky that I was able to successfully battle both of those cancers. I think of myself more in terms of a warrior than a survivor, because I do not think that my ongoing vigilance will ever truly be over. I will always have to be on the look out, recent stem cell transplant do over not withstanding. I know that sounds crazy to say and seems like I am not celebrating at all, but actually I am celebrating. I celebrate every single day the fact that I get to wake up in the morning, open my eyes and realize the world around me.

As far as the having the good kind of cancer part, I am not really sure what that would be. I do not think the words good and cancer belong in the same sentence. I would definitely go with the word treatable though. That kind of thinking sometimes sends me in the wrong direction. I start belittling the kinds of cancer that I had because I was able to conquer them when other do not. I know I shouldn’t do this. I realize that the battles I fought successfully were extremely difficult and that nothing should be taken away from them just because I survived. Each cancer battle is it’s own challenging and potentially vicious beast. The strategy that I have chosen to take when I find myself minimizing what I have been through is to throw myself into empowering, helping, and supporting others with cancer. I think it is my best strategy at this point.

So, to all of you out there who have battled, are battling, or know someone who is battling cancer, I sent out all my positive, empowering, and strategizing energy to you. If there is anything that you need or any way you think I could help, I will.

Have a fantastic day everyone.

Dr. Katz

Cancer Awareness Months

There are many different cancer awareness months with focused awareness on certain cancers. January is cervical cancer awareness month. February is Nation Cancer Prevention Month and Gallbladder and Bile Duct Cancer awareness month. March is Colorectal Cancer awareness month and Multiple Myeloma Awareness month. April is Esophageal, Head and Neck Cancer and Testicular Cancer Awareness month. May is National Cancer Research Month, May is also Bladder Cancer, Melanoma, Brain, and Skin Cancer Awareness month. June is National Cancer Survivor Month. July is Sarcoma and Bone Cancer Awareness month. August is Appendix Cancer Awareness month. September covers a lot of cancer awareness. It is Childhood Cancer, Leukemia, Lymphoma, Ovarian, Prostate, and Thyroid Cancer Awareness month. October is Breast and Liver Cancer Awareness month. November is Neuroendocrine Tumors, Gastric, Lung, and Pancreatic Cancer Awareness month. Somehow December is not any kind of cancer awareness month.

These are all well and good and should be acknowledged. As a two-time cancer warrior, I guess I would fall into the May and September category, having had lymphoma and brain cancer. Whenever I see postings about these months, I try to educate people and patients about the particular cancer that the month concentrates on. Still, I believe that there are so many additional unmentioned cancers that also deserve attention. I realize while saying this that it would be impossible to list them all. I get that. I guess what I am really trying to say is that cancer is something that we should remain vigilant for and attempt to screen for and diagnosis every single day, not just for a month or a day or a year.

As patient I realize that my particular battles and surveillance will never ever really be over for good. I will always have to be vigilant and follow up. This is why I even stay away from the word survivor because it implies a kind of finality that I don’t really think I have the luxury or confidence to truly embrace. That is ok. I am so happy just to still exist that the lifetime of surveillance does not trouble me. I plan to be in it for the long haul and whatever I have to do to help make that happen, I am in!

Digest these thoughts for a bit and have an amazing and grateful day!

Dr. Katz

The next follow up scan is less than a month away. Here comes the apparently mandatory but super unpleasant and unnecessary freaking out.

Here we go again. Another scan is coming up. How many times have I done this? well, a lot. And every single time I start to notice the feeling of unecessary fear creeping up on me. Every twinge panics me. Every tingle freaks me out. Every sense of unexpected weakness scares me.

Seriously? Enough already. I know it’s nonsense. I actually know what it is and can, if I reach back really hard to life before cancer, I can recall feeling these exact same things and they were absolutely NOTHING to worry about. How I miss those days. Granted, I do pretty well most of the time now over six months out, but those close to the next scan times are tricky. Despite all the therapy in the world and all the work put into calming, I still get nervous and icky. So, I sit myself down and purge it all out by writing to all of you. Somewhere in my head I am telling myself that I can turn my feelings and strategies into some kind of validation, encouragement or hope for those of you out there that might be in the same situation. I hear you guys. This post cancer and scan ptsd stuff is real. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Make sure that you are taking a step back and allowing yourself some time to acclimate. Make sure you are taking the time you need to try to heal, no matter how long it takes. There is no set timeline. Everyone is different with different levels of strength and resilience. We will all get there, to that station of calm and peace, at least sometimes. Other times, we just have to try our best. It’s all we can do.

Dr. Katz

So, I just had this huge anniversary

Guys, do you realize that just over a year ago I was unconscious, in a coma, filled with brain tumor and swelling. Like, literally, gone from the world, no verbal communication, gone. That was Dec 11th 2023.

Wow! How time has passed. I cannot really say flown because believe you me, nothing has been fast. It has been hard, grueling, painful, lonely, exhausting, but not really fast per se. But, look at me now. My business survived. I retained all of my employees and made sure that their incomes were not impacted. I managed not to lose any of my equipment or my home. I have even managed to write two more books in the meantime! And, I finally managed to start paying myself some after like four years of mostly not doing it.

Sounds like all wins so far, but not gifts. These are all hard-earned achievements that took a lot of blood, sweat, tears, grit, determination, and positivity. I was not really given anything, but I didn’t expect to be either. I knew the road ahead. I had been through it before. Here’s hoping for some more lengthy time off in the future.

I have friends that are amazing and want to make sure to praise me for how far I have come. That is awesome and they are awesome. At the exact same time, I want someone to recognize me and all that I have survived and been through and throw me a big party that doesn’t involve raising money for my survival and is just for fun, I want to forget the whole thing and pretend it never happened in the first place. When I actually sit and allow myself to reflect for a minute, I go right back to the moments of fear and not knowing and wondering if I was even going to be able to get to stay on this planet at all. Those memories turn on you fast before you know it. I am never going to be upset at my friends for congratulating me. They are just trying to be the amazing people that they are. I am just admitting that it scares me at the same time. Like, what if it happens again? You know, all the fearful dready thoughts that mix in with the happy celebrations. I guess that is just the way that it is at the moment. Thank goodness for therapy on a regular basis to keep your head on straight.

The bottom line is that I will never stop being grateful for still being here and getting just to be alive. I will never stop trying to use my now functional brain for good and to help women and girls and hairy men( ya know the ones I do laser hair removal for?) everywhere and every day. I just have to realize that is also ok to sit back and take a minute if I need to pause for some memories or anxiety. It’s a normal response. I don’t have to be constantly busy and productive. I am still of use to the world even if I am not doing twenty things at once in case it’s my last chance to do so. Take it easy there Katzie, you are going to continue to be ok. It’s your time to shine now.

Dr. Katz

Warriors

I looked around

and warriors were

what I found.

Young and old.

So many different

Stories told.

Some long and

Some mercilessly short.

No way to sustain their fort.

All with liquid weapons

of choice.

The only way to raise

their voice

Against a mutual

enemy within.

Even as their strength

wained thin.

Still fighting their

Own way.

Fighting to thrive

Another day.

Pushing for

themselves or a loved on.

Until their battle is

officially won.

Who is that in the mirror?

I’m a tired little warrior.

Too much out of my control.

But the fight fuels my fire

And is good for my soul.

I try to ignore all the other things

Like bloating, balding, and not wearing rings.

I tell myself that it’s okay.

If I can’t recognize my reflection today.

I’m still in there. I just need to see.

That I have to go through this.

I have to do it for me.

It’s That Time Again

It’s that time again.

Time to draw my sword and open my vein

Disrupting Cancer’s evil reign.

Time for the battlements to flow

Freely to let lymphoma know

There is no place left to go.

No place left to hide so get ready.

My force to defeat you flows strong and steady.

Seeking you out in all your hiding places

Prepared to leave no tangible traces.

Our farewell will be long but not fond

For ours IS a breakable bond.

Dr. Katz, age 51