Laura A. Katz MD, a board-certified obgyn talks about life, women's health, motherhood and the "sensitive subjects."
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Guys, I can’t help it. There is like a little internal panic clock that starts ticking once I get within 2 weeks to a month of my next scan. I know they are all necessary. I also know that I have no concrete symptoms to tell me that anything is wrong. And yet, I still go off the rails somewhat. I swear to god I start having or making up some symptoms just due to anxiety. I know, that sounds ridiculous, but it is true so I might as well admit it. I have gotten much better about calming myself down without pharmaceutical assistance tho, so that part is good.
Do any of you out there who have or have battled cancer before go through this? I know the answer is probably yes but I am just asking anyway. How do you deal with it? I am wondering to myself if it will ever go away. I have yet to actually make it to a 5 year post cancer mark with either of my cancers. I am almost there from my first cancer in 2021, but still not quite yet. It’s interesting that I hardly ever think about that one like it’s old news or something. It was still serious but very treatable. It’s almost as if the most recent brain cancer that I had overshadowed everything. Even tho it, too, was treatable thank goodness.
I have had many people tell me that I have no right to call myself lucky since I have had two cancers. I have had many people tell me that at least I had ” the good kind” of cancers. I am not always sure how to filter that input so I just end up smiling and nodding, and then walking in the other direction. As I have had time to think about it, I think that my own personal take on it is a combination of those two inputs.
Yes, I do think that I am lucky that I was able to successfully battle both of those cancers. I think of myself more in terms of a warrior than a survivor, because I do not think that my ongoing vigilance will ever truly be over. I will always have to be on the look out, recent stem cell transplant do over not withstanding. I know that sounds crazy to say and seems like I am not celebrating at all, but actually I am celebrating. I celebrate every single day the fact that I get to wake up in the morning, open my eyes and realize the world around me.
As far as the having the good kind of cancer part, I am not really sure what that would be. I do not think the words good and cancer belong in the same sentence. I would definitely go with the word treatable though. That kind of thinking sometimes sends me in the wrong direction. I start belittling the kinds of cancer that I had because I was able to conquer them when other do not. I know I shouldn’t do this. I realize that the battles I fought successfully were extremely difficult and that nothing should be taken away from them just because I survived. Each cancer battle is it’s own challenging and potentially vicious beast. The strategy that I have chosen to take when I find myself minimizing what I have been through is to throw myself into empowering, helping, and supporting others with cancer. I think it is my best strategy at this point.
So, to all of you out there who have battled, are battling, or know someone who is battling cancer, I sent out all my positive, empowering, and strategizing energy to you. If there is anything that you need or any way you think I could help, I will.
Have a fantastic day everyone.
Dr. Katz
There are many different cancer awareness months with focused awareness on certain cancers. January is cervical cancer awareness month. February is Nation Cancer Prevention Month and Gallbladder and Bile Duct Cancer awareness month. March is Colorectal Cancer awareness month and Multiple Myeloma Awareness month. April is Esophageal, Head and Neck Cancer and Testicular Cancer Awareness month. May is National Cancer Research Month, May is also Bladder Cancer, Melanoma, Brain, and Skin Cancer Awareness month. June is National Cancer Survivor Month. July is Sarcoma and Bone Cancer Awareness month. August is Appendix Cancer Awareness month. September covers a lot of cancer awareness. It is Childhood Cancer, Leukemia, Lymphoma, Ovarian, Prostate, and Thyroid Cancer Awareness month. October is Breast and Liver Cancer Awareness month. November is Neuroendocrine Tumors, Gastric, Lung, and Pancreatic Cancer Awareness month. Somehow December is not any kind of cancer awareness month.
These are all well and good and should be acknowledged. As a two-time cancer warrior, I guess I would fall into the May and September category, having had lymphoma and brain cancer. Whenever I see postings about these months, I try to educate people and patients about the particular cancer that the month concentrates on. Still, I believe that there are so many additional unmentioned cancers that also deserve attention. I realize while saying this that it would be impossible to list them all. I get that. I guess what I am really trying to say is that cancer is something that we should remain vigilant for and attempt to screen for and diagnosis every single day, not just for a month or a day or a year.
As patient I realize that my particular battles and surveillance will never ever really be over for good. I will always have to be vigilant and follow up. This is why I even stay away from the word survivor because it implies a kind of finality that I don’t really think I have the luxury or confidence to truly embrace. That is ok. I am so happy just to still exist that the lifetime of surveillance does not trouble me. I plan to be in it for the long haul and whatever I have to do to help make that happen, I am in!
Digest these thoughts for a bit and have an amazing and grateful day!
Dr. Katz
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Here we go again. Another scan is coming up. How many times have I done this? well, a lot. And every single time I start to notice the feeling of unecessary fear creeping up on me. Every twinge panics me. Every tingle freaks me out. Every sense of unexpected weakness scares me.
Seriously? Enough already. I know it’s nonsense. I actually know what it is and can, if I reach back really hard to life before cancer, I can recall feeling these exact same things and they were absolutely NOTHING to worry about. How I miss those days. Granted, I do pretty well most of the time now over six months out, but those close to the next scan times are tricky. Despite all the therapy in the world and all the work put into calming, I still get nervous and icky. So, I sit myself down and purge it all out by writing to all of you. Somewhere in my head I am telling myself that I can turn my feelings and strategies into some kind of validation, encouragement or hope for those of you out there that might be in the same situation. I hear you guys. This post cancer and scan ptsd stuff is real. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Make sure that you are taking a step back and allowing yourself some time to acclimate. Make sure you are taking the time you need to try to heal, no matter how long it takes. There is no set timeline. Everyone is different with different levels of strength and resilience. We will all get there, to that station of calm and peace, at least sometimes. Other times, we just have to try our best. It’s all we can do.
Dr. Katz
Guys, do you realize that just over a year ago I was unconscious, in a coma, filled with brain tumor and swelling. Like, literally, gone from the world, no verbal communication, gone. That was Dec 11th 2023.
Wow! How time has passed. I cannot really say flown because believe you me, nothing has been fast. It has been hard, grueling, painful, lonely, exhausting, but not really fast per se. But, look at me now. My business survived. I retained all of my employees and made sure that their incomes were not impacted. I managed not to lose any of my equipment or my home. I have even managed to write two more books in the meantime! And, I finally managed to start paying myself some after like four years of mostly not doing it.
Sounds like all wins so far, but not gifts. These are all hard-earned achievements that took a lot of blood, sweat, tears, grit, determination, and positivity. I was not really given anything, but I didn’t expect to be either. I knew the road ahead. I had been through it before. Here’s hoping for some more lengthy time off in the future.
I have friends that are amazing and want to make sure to praise me for how far I have come. That is awesome and they are awesome. At the exact same time, I want someone to recognize me and all that I have survived and been through and throw me a big party that doesn’t involve raising money for my survival and is just for fun, I want to forget the whole thing and pretend it never happened in the first place. When I actually sit and allow myself to reflect for a minute, I go right back to the moments of fear and not knowing and wondering if I was even going to be able to get to stay on this planet at all. Those memories turn on you fast before you know it. I am never going to be upset at my friends for congratulating me. They are just trying to be the amazing people that they are. I am just admitting that it scares me at the same time. Like, what if it happens again? You know, all the fearful dready thoughts that mix in with the happy celebrations. I guess that is just the way that it is at the moment. Thank goodness for therapy on a regular basis to keep your head on straight.
The bottom line is that I will never stop being grateful for still being here and getting just to be alive. I will never stop trying to use my now functional brain for good and to help women and girls and hairy men( ya know the ones I do laser hair removal for?) everywhere and every day. I just have to realize that is also ok to sit back and take a minute if I need to pause for some memories or anxiety. It’s a normal response. I don’t have to be constantly busy and productive. I am still of use to the world even if I am not doing twenty things at once in case it’s my last chance to do so. Take it easy there Katzie, you are going to continue to be ok. It’s your time to shine now.
Dr. Katz
I looked around
and warriors were
what I found.
Young and old.
So many different
Stories told.
Some long and
Some mercilessly short.
No way to sustain their fort.
All with liquid weapons
of choice.
The only way to raise
their voice
Against a mutual
enemy within.
Even as their strength
wained thin.
Still fighting their
Own way.
Fighting to thrive
Another day.
Pushing for
themselves or a loved on.
Until their battle is
officially won.
I’m a tired little warrior.
Too much out of my control.
But the fight fuels my fire
And is good for my soul.
I try to ignore all the other things
Like bloating, balding, and not wearing rings.
I tell myself that it’s okay.
If I can’t recognize my reflection today.
I’m still in there. I just need to see.
That I have to go through this.
I have to do it for me.
It’s that time again.
Time to draw my sword and open my vein
Disrupting Cancer’s evil reign.
Time for the battlements to flow
Freely to let lymphoma know
There is no place left to go.
No place left to hide so get ready.
My force to defeat you flows strong and steady.
Seeking you out in all your hiding places
Prepared to leave no tangible traces.
Our farewell will be long but not fond
For ours IS a breakable bond.
Dr. Katz, age 51