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Scanxiety is still real, but at least it’s not for the full month before anymore.
Tag: Worry
The next follow up scan is less than a month away. Here comes the apparently mandatory but super unpleasant and unnecessary freaking out.
Here we go again. Another scan is coming up. How many times have I done this? well, a lot. And every single time I start to notice the feeling of unecessary fear creeping up on me. Every twinge panics me. Every tingle freaks me out. Every sense of unexpected weakness scares me.
Seriously? Enough already. I know it’s nonsense. I actually know what it is and can, if I reach back really hard to life before cancer, I can recall feeling these exact same things and they were absolutely NOTHING to worry about. How I miss those days. Granted, I do pretty well most of the time now over six months out, but those close to the next scan times are tricky. Despite all the therapy in the world and all the work put into calming, I still get nervous and icky. So, I sit myself down and purge it all out by writing to all of you. Somewhere in my head I am telling myself that I can turn my feelings and strategies into some kind of validation, encouragement or hope for those of you out there that might be in the same situation. I hear you guys. This post cancer and scan ptsd stuff is real. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Make sure that you are taking a step back and allowing yourself some time to acclimate. Make sure you are taking the time you need to try to heal, no matter how long it takes. There is no set timeline. Everyone is different with different levels of strength and resilience. We will all get there, to that station of calm and peace, at least sometimes. Other times, we just have to try our best. It’s all we can do.
Dr. Katz
I’ve got to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop!
As most of you know, the majority of the last three years of my life have been just this side of hellacious and gut wrenching. I have spent the majority of it fighting for my life through two different cancers, trying to save my business so I had something to come back to, taking care of my employees, and trying to soothe my family’s concerns. All of which I have done willingly with positive attitude and fortitude.
Well now, the universe has significantly shifted. There are a ton of positive things going on. My family is doing ok. The finances are turning around. My business has survived. My daughters are getting to follow their dreams…and….I am healthy and aware enough to enjoy it! Heck even the Detroit Tigers and the Detroit Lions are winning!
There is not a day that goes by that I am not humble and super grateful for everything that is happenning and I am putting out the good mojo wherever I go. Still, there is this penetrating inner fear inside me that it may all disappear again. There is literally a part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop, even though I have no indicators that it will. There is even a part of me that wonders if others are suffering in exchange for all the good luck that I seem to be getting.
Yes. I get it. Those are not healthy thoughts. Well thank goodness for the magic of an excellent astute therapist who gives it to me straight and helps me reset my ptsd thinking process. I tell here honestly about these kind of things and she looks at me and says ” Are you kidding me right now? You are wondering if you deserve these good things? You are wondering if other people are at risk of being hurt because good things are happening to you? I nod yes and then she smiles at me and goes on to tell me that the last time she checked, I have been working my ass off just to survive and help everyone else and try to save my finances and my business at the same time. I am definitely due for some good fortune. I have earned it in a way and I should not feel guilty for having it. I should just enjoy and go with the flow. It is not a logical way to think that others are potentially being punished at the expense of my good luck or positive things happening. Ok, I get it. Logically I know this but sometimes it is hard to relax and merely enjoy after all that has happened.
So, the bottom line of all of this is that I am going to keep up with the therapy. I am going to continue to work on my though process and continue to soak up the joy that I am experiencing right now and have great hope and not dread for the future. I want to be around for a long time more and fully embrace the positive turn of events. It will be ok.
Dr. Katz
Let’s Goooo!
Ok guys. Here is all the latest and greatest updates. My brain is cancer free and looks positively boringly normal! Yesss!
My vision is 20/15 with my glasses on and I am able to get rid of my bifocals! Yess!
My memory is doing pretty awesome and a lot of the short term loss has returned. Yess!
I am able to do complex puzzles and remember strings of 12 numbers. Yess!
My energy is good. I still have to have the occasional power nap, but who doesn’t? Yess!
My hemoglobin is finally in the normal range! Yess!
I am inches away from being granted full functioning privileges at the hospital with no restrictions! All the paperwork is in. Yess!
Obviously, I still have some precautions to follow with my baby immune system and all and I still need to get revaccinated for everything. But, it is truly time for everyone to bring the level of worry down to a healthier level. I totally get and appreciate all of it and I understand all of it. But, it is time to climb down from def con five level. We have done it folks! It is time to celebrate and live! I promise everyone that I am not going to do anything that I don’t truly feel ready for or that could put myself or anyone else in danger. Let’s do this! Have a great day!
Dr. Katz