For those of you that have read my autobiography, Me Myself and My Story, you already know that there is whole lot of family issues, abuses, tragedies, mental health trouble that has flowed freely throughout my life. Having said all that, I still am grateful that I have turned out the way that I did and I am proud of the person I choose to be. Part of the point of writing that autobiography was not to be a vengeful tell all, it was hopefully to point out that any person still possesses the right to choose a better direction somehow if they want to. I like to think that I am a prime example of that.
Having said that, yes, there have been multiple family members that I have not been close to for years for various reasons. Some of them took in negative input fed to them by others with no opportunity for me to repute it. I didn’t even know that was going on in the first place. Fortunately a lot of those folks have come around and are now in my life again and I am very grateful. There were a lot of years wasted and missed though.
To add to this, I realize that I have done things that have upset people. In my perspective, those things were done with a purpose and intention for good and for protection. I have sent people to prison for abuse. I have spoken my mind at public gatherings. I have dismissed certain people from my life when their level of toxicity crossed the boundary that I had set and was literally compromising my mental and physical health. I do not regret any of these actions. They are what I had to do to protect myself and my family. I have to admit, I do not understand those who force themselves into family holidays and gatherings despite a long history of abuse and mistreatment. I am not sure if they feel that they don’t have any choice or if they are supposed to because there are blood ties involved. Either way, it only allows further damage and abuse to continue. I have seen many people dismiss past wrongs with no concrete apology or resolution. I understand that forgiveness is divine, but for myself, I need at least a little actualization that it happened in the first place or even the two little words “I’m sorry.” for that to be enough for me to re-interact. I feel like that is a minimum requirement to say the least. I have come to realize the phrase friends are the family that you chose is quite accurate. As much time as I have struggled to maintain family relationships, I have not noticed all the friends and non-toxic family members that are right there waiting to spend time with me. This is something that I have vowed to strive better for in my future. This is a plan that I am going to stick with.
I just want to end this explaining myself session with some words of advice and self-advocacy. No blood ties justify or excuse terrible or abusive behavior. It is within your power to seek out non-toxic relationships for the benefit of yourself and your mental health. It is sometimes a very difficult decision, but is definitely the healthier one.
Have a peaceful day.
Dr. Katz