What I am talking about is violence and abuse. Yes, that’s right, Violence and abuse, whether it be toward you, your kids, your relatives or whoever. It is everywhere and increasing every day. I am faced with an ever-increasing amount of patients who are facing this issue regularly.

So, what’s the worst that could happen? Well, someone could actually end up dead or permanently damaged in some way for one. Dead. Never coming back. Dead. Someone could end up permanently emotionally damaged and use that as an excuse to continue that style of behavior and life even into their next phase of life or worse, if they were an abused child or spouse, continue on to abuse their children or next spouse because that is the scenario they are familiar with or they are using that as their excuse. The things that I hear the most is ” I just don’t know what to do. or…That’s how I was brought up…or..That’s the same stuff I went through….or….It’s all I know.

These are the most heart breaking responses I ever here. I picture in my mind the terrified children or the terrified spouse or girlfriend. When there is abuse going on, everyone suffers, not just the person actually undergoing the abuse. It has wide ranging, awful ripple effects. Too often I am trying to work with someone that has already given up and just figures that there is nothing they can do and that is just the way that it is.

I am here to tell you that that is not true. Despite what you think, there are always possible options, if you chose to take them. They require fortitude, strategy, secrecy, and sometimes heartbreaking techniques, but they can be done. I refuse to believe that there is no option. Before I go any further, I need to tell you that I personally have had more than my fair share of abuse and violence in my past. I had to keep secrets that no one should have to keep. I had to live through things that no one should have to live through. So, I get it. There is no easy way out. Finally, as an adult I try my best to live a healthy life and be a good parent to my kids and be a good wife to my husband and break the former cycle. I am telling you there is a way to make it stop and move forward, even if there is no one that you currently know who can show you.

First, before you even get started you have to give yourself a moment of calm to begin planning. You need to have a relocation plan, even if it is to a safe house or local shelter. You need to set aside a separate source of funds. You need to get your papers in order. You need to be willing to stop and accept and sacrifice yourself or worse, your children as if you somehow deserve it. NO ONE deserves abuse. NO ONE! You need to value yourself and your kids enough to get the heck out of there before something irreparable happens. If it is safe to do so, you need to stand up to that partner or spouse and say look, my poor heart may love you for the rest of my life but my children and I cannot live with you another day if this crap keeps going on. If it is not safe to do that, then just get the heck away while you can and figure the rest out later. Nothing is worth risking your life, your childrens’ lives, or your mental health to stay.

I am telling you that it can be done. You can get away. You can begin to live a healthy life again. Please do not use your experiences as an excuse to re-enact the same poor behaviors to others or your kids. Please do not inadvertently teach your children that abuse is ok and that there is nothing you can do. I am living proof that it is possible. Here is the link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Please use it if you need it. They offer support in over 200 plus languages.

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Dr. Katz