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I’m just not sure everybody gets it
Tag: people
Sitting here quietly
Just sitting here quietly on Christmas morning, listening to my gentle music Christmas blend, snuggling with my dogs. I am taking a moment to soak it all in. It just dawned on me this is the first Christmas in like three years that I am not either waiting for a terrible health diagnosis or in between cancers. Wow! That just hit me like a soothing wave of calm, mixed with excitement and relaxation in the mundane all at the same time. Yesterday I was doing my regular old last minute Christmas eve grocery shopping and I couldn’t have been happier. The business, the franticness of the other customers didn’t even phase me. I was so frickin happy to be shopping for my family like a normal wife and mother that I think I was practically skipping through the store. I know it sounds silly, but gosh I have been waiting for this feeling for a long time now. I am finally allowing myself to enjoy it, now seven months after discharge from my last hospital stay.
I know I am just really heady right now but I am soaking it up. Everyone deserves this kind of peace, even if just for a moment. Who knows if everything could revert back to unholy crap. Well, maybe it could. That’s how life goes. But, for now, I will just sit here with a smile on my face and let it sink in.
Have a wonderful holiday everyone! Sending many peaceful and joyous vibes.
Dr. Katz
December 12th is coming and I’m freakin out!
Dec 12th…..Dec 12th 2020. It’s where it all started. The morning I woke up feeling like I was choking with a voice yelling inside my head to get up and look in the mirror. Whether it was my own gut instinct or my late father I will never now. That morning changed my life. I did get up. I did look into the mirror. I saw the lump on my neck and off I went. It was the beginning of a battle of fear, frustration, and anxiety as made my first steps toward my cancer revealing itself and everything that followed.
Well, that was almost two years ago. I thought I was getting better at letting it go. I really did but nope, here we are. It’s less than a month away and suddenly the panic attacks, the anxiety out of nowhere, the wondering about every little symptom is all back. It is PTSD at its best/worst. I can’t really believe how long it took me to figure it out. I guess I had to waste time beating myself up for having anxiety first. We all do. Then it hit me! Of course. The anniversary of one of the most traumatic times in my life is coming up! What normal brain can completely let that go? That trauma gets stored and buried, with significant effort from me. But, even I can’t hold it back all the time. Lord knows I try.
So, what do I do? I can’t keep fighting to suppress it. That will only keep me prisoner to it longer. I have to acknowledge it! I have to embrace that it is real and that it happened and that it affected me in ways that I still don’t fully process. I have to actualize my own feelings about it. The only way to be free is to go forward through it when the feelings flood me. The only power I have is the power to see it for what it is and decide how I want to proceed. The choice of direction is actually completely up to me. I could allow a day( or two or three) to break down and crumble. I could stop functioning. Or, I could move forward and use the experience for good. They say that the final stage of healing occurs when you are able to use what happened to you to help others. That is what I have chosen and continue to chose. I have written my books. I am giving my talks. I am helping other cancer patients. I help other people “get their mind right” for the battle ahead. I share knowledge every day to help give people some sense of control as to what is happening to them. These are the battles I chose to fight every day. These are the battles I want to win. I realize that my past trauma is still with me. I cannot change that, but I can chose to change what I do with it.
Dr. Katz
It’s Easter
To me, first and foremost, Easter is about the resurrection of Jesus. I get it. But, also for me, there is a lot of other things to celebrate on this day too. There has been so much rebirth everywhere. From the minute details of the daffodils blooming to the emergence of myself and my husband from illness to the rejuvenation of old relationships: there is a sense of fresh start everywhere.
Second chances are everywhere, if we take advantage of them. I think this applies not only to religion, but to life in general. I have to admit, there has been so much change to take in that sometimes it’s overwhelming as well as wonderful. I am sometimes not sure how to process it all. I make sure to never let it overwhelm my sense of gratitude, but I am noticing that there is still an underlying sense of anxiety and “waiting for the other shoe to drop” again in my every day life. It seems to be affecting my whole family as well. I think it’s just normal with everything we have been through lately.
I realize that I need to make a conscious effort to keep moving forward, and to help my family move forward with me. We need to make the absolute most of and learn from these second chances. We need to focus on what gives us joy, even if it is something as small as watching my grandchildren hunt for Easter eggs or as monumental as hearing that my latest scans are clear.
So, as you gather with family and friends today to celebrate our Lord, also take time to celebrate each other and life in general. Take nothing for granted. Embrace every opportunity. Learn from each other and your own mistakes. Savor every moment.
Have a happy and blessed Easter.
Dr. Katz
My colonoscopy experience was awesome!
Ok. Ok. I know what you’re thinking. Eeew. How is that possible? There is nothing good about a colonoscopy. Am I right? Well, yes, you are right. A colonscopy is kind of shitty…pardon the pun. What I am really referring to is the experience and how I was treated. Let me explain.
I chose to have my colonoscopy NOT incognito, but at my local hospital Promedica Monroe Regional, where I go to work every day. Trust me, these people have seen the best and the worst of me for over 20 years now. They have saved my life multiple times, helped me in the OR, helped me deliver babies, etc. We have listened to each other. We have complained together and rejoiced together. Sometimes I see them more than my own family. But wait, they are part of my family! They are just not the family I live with. So, why not let them in on my health too?
From the moment I walked in, all crazy haired and no make up on,(yikes) they greeted me like family. We joked and laughed while they checked me in, while still making sure that all the proper protocols were followed. They managed to treat me like a patient, a doctor, and a family member all at the same time. Bravo! I almost cried…literally. Everybody stopped by to see me. They explained things as if I was fresh off the street with no medical knowledge. That might annoy some people/docs but I love it. We should explain everything to everybody. You never know if you might have a total brain fart about something you do every day….when it’s actually YOUR turn! As a matter of fact, I was stressing more about this stupid colonoscopy than I did about all my cancer stuff and chemo and procedures for the last year and a half. What the heck?! It was as if I just couldn’t handle the thought of maybe even one more thing being wrong. Thank God they treated me like family. It put me at ease right away. They went over and above. I have never considered myself on any sort of VIP terms because that’s just who I am. I even asked them why the special treatment? You know what they said?
Doc, you been through a lot and we all love you. We just want to take care of you like you take care of us. You are one of our own. I think my heart about burst out of my chest, in a good way, right at that moment. I realized then that they do see me. They see how much I care. They see how hard I try every single day, because I want to not because anyone tells me too. We have a mutual respect. I try to treat everyone well in the hopes that they treat me well. That’s what a team should be. It’s what I love about what I do. Well, I have to tell you, the ProMedica Monroe Regional Hospital team was the best I’ve ever seen! See you at work Monday guys! I love you!
Dr. Katz
Is It Time To Be Thankful Yet?
So, Thanksgiving just passed. Did we all remember to be thankful, or did we get mired down in complaining about not seeing the usual volume of family members and bemoan the current status of the COVID pandemic? I think that a lot of people fell into the second category, if they are being honest. I admit that, even though I have realized all of my current blessings, I still fall prey to the diffuse and sometimes oppressive fatigue of depression that has followed me around for the last 9 months, despite all my best efforts. This begs the question then, when is it time to be thankful? The answer is: RIGHT NOW! For a lot of us, things aren’t really going our way and haven’t for a long time. The economy is tough. Family relations are strained. Family members have been lost. People are fed up and spend a little too much time like little powder kegs ready to blow at the slightest opportunity for conflict. On top of that, the capacity for empathy is not so great right now. I have to admit that, even my standards for thankfulness have had to be lowered a bit just to keep things in perspective and convince myself that I am not “reaching too high.” …lol. Still, I am above ground, I have a family to miss, I have my health ( most days), and I still get to do what I love and take care of people. Essentially, it is all I really need so you betcha I am thankful. Don’t let me kid you. I have ” days” like everyone else. I am still human. We are all feeling the struggle right now. It’s a normal human response to the sense of loss of control and freedom. But, just when you feel that whine coming on I urge you to think twice before you do it. There is always the possibility that someone is worse off than you.
Dr. Katz