It’s an Emotional Rollercoaster People!

Boy I tell ya. Every time I think I have my crap together, it seems like I am destined to have a mini emotional breakdown. It’s as if that temporary sense of peace and satisfaction sends out an invisible beacon, calling for something else to happen to tip the emotional scale against me. Of course I know that’s not true, but it feels true. Logically, there are a ton of reasons for me and everyone else in the world to have recurrent crying spells and emotional breakdowns. Nothing feels the same anymore. The long term isolation and restrictions have us overly craving any decisions that could be called ours, even down to the day to day minutia. When one thing doesn’t go our way, we are devastated, even if it is something otherwise insignificant. Our feelings bruise more easily. I promise you. There are some days that I could cry if someone looks at me the wrong way. It seems like people are ready to point fingers and blame everyone and everything else for how they are feeling. We are further imprisoned by our unreasonable expectations of those around us lately, which only sets us up for more failure and disappoinent. In my case, my plate is heaped full between the pandemic, it’s effects on my business, and now cancer on top of it! I get it! We are all frustrated and hurting in different ways. It’s understandable and it makes sense! We need to move forward but until we can, we still have to be accountable for ourselves, our actions, and our feelings. We still have to make an attempt to do things that make sense.. We may still weep and fret along the way,, but it is the only way we will be able to eventually get to where we need to be.

Dr. Katz

I Forgot

forgot what I was looking for

forgot who was looking for

a source of inner strength?

Secret cave of wonders?

a power source?

something I was missing?

Hold on a sec.

it’s getting a little clearer.

I don’t need anything else.

I don’t need anyone to do this for me.

I need to stop wasting time

Stop searching unnecessarily

I have what it take

I can do this.

Private Cryin

secret tear

dripping down my cheek

reflecting what’s inside

quick whoah!

Facade shield spontaneously raises

CAnt let anyone see that

have to be strong

to help others believe

to help me believe

I can get through this

My Happy Place

shabby shack on the hill

peeling paint and uneven steps

huffing and puffing

dragging out chairs and umbrellas

soft sand and weeds wiggling like snakes through my toes

bird chatter and frog chorus like a natural serenade

cool clear spring water to swim in and rejuvenate

peace like I have never known

just the thought of visiting elevates my mood

and brings a smile to my face

No Wisdom Here

Sitting in chemo today

listening to the chatter

several elderly patients

back and forth discourse and discord.

I eavesdropped a little

hoping for a glimpse of wisdom.

Sadly, wisdom is not what I heard.

anger, stubbornness, self-destruction

That’s what I heard.

“They can’t tell me to quit smoking

just because I have lung cancer.”

“I’ll do what I want!”

“I’ve lived this long haven’t I ?

Why change now?”

My heavy heart sank and filled with despair.

there was no wisdom to gain here.

Misguided thought processes with lethal implications.

The Utilitarian in me asks why they are getting treatment?

The Judge asks if it’s.fair that they are taking a spot from someone willing to listen and change?

Their perception is foreign to me.

No one is forcing then to be there.

Is gratitude an unwelcome sentiment when there is a potentially life saving option?

I sit quietly, my grateful heart appreciating my doctor’s and nurses, celebrating my half way point.

Sometimes it’s hard

Sometimes it’s hard

Hard to always smile

Hard to show a good face

Hard to have a positive attitude

But you know what’s harder?




Each of those

more destructive than the last.

Not for me I said.

Not for me.

I need all my strength

To fight the real enemy.


I looked around

and warriors were

what I found.

Young and old.

So many different

Stories told.

Some long and

Some mercilessly short.

No way to sustain their fort.

All with liquid weapons

of choice.

The only way to raise

their voice

Against a mutual

enemy within.

Even as their strength

wained thin.

Still fighting their

Own way.

Fighting to thrive

Another day.

Pushing for

themselves or a loved on.

Until their battle is

officially won.

Who is that in the mirror?

I’m a tired little warrior.

Too much out of my control.

But the fight fuels my fire

And is good for my soul.

I try to ignore all the other things

Like bloating, balding, and not wearing rings.

I tell myself that it’s okay.

If I can’t recognize my reflection today.

I’m still in there. I just need to see.

That I have to go through this.

I have to do it for me.

How am I ever going to have an ache or pain again without panicking?

You know, when I am all done with all this cancer stuff, when the last treatment is over, when the last scan has been read as clear, I will never really be done. What I mean is, I will have to follow up regularly for at least the next five years, if not forever, depending on how things go. It will be like a little shadow over my life probably for the rest of my life. There is a post traumatic stress element to having gone through any illness like this that is not likely to disappear any time soon. How am I ever going to have what seems like a normal ache or pain without overthinking it? What if that little ache is my cancer coming back? I already HAD normal-ish symptoms seemingly consistent with menopause and overwork….and they turned out to be cancer! Yes I know, I know, the growth was not a normal symptom, but you see what I mean about the rest of it right? You see? I am not even done with treatment yet and I am already pre-thinking about overworrying. Oh for heaven sake.

Being diagnosed and treated for cancer is in itself a stressful and potentially traumatic situation. Patients experience a whole range of feelings including fear, sadness, anger, anxiety and adjustment issues. There is such close association with cancer patients and post traumatic stress that the DSM-IV post traumatic diagnostic criteria were expanded to include diagnosis with a potentially life-threatening illness as a possible stressor significant enough to induce PTSD. The DSM-V PTSD diagnostic criteria allow for specific implications of cancer- related post traumatic stress, but there is still a lot more research needed in this area. Studies done by Mehnert and Koch showed that 54% of breast cancer patients viewed cancer as a traumatic stressor. Andrykowski and colleagues interviewed survivors of lung cancer and found that 37% viewed their diagnosis and treatment as a traumatic stressor. There are other studies that reflect similar results. Still other studies correlated the incidence of cancer related post traumatic stress to lower socioeconomic status, young age, limited social support or dissociative symptoms regarding the cancer experience( Not being able to recall any cancer related discussion with the doctor.) The bottom line is that cancer is considered a traumatic stressor by some patients. There just isn’t enough data out there right now to describe the entire course of cancer related post traumatic stress, but we know that it is out there.

So, now that we know it exists, what do we do about it? I think the key is integrating psychosocial support into the acute care phase and survivorship phase of cancer care. I think it is important to make therapy and mental health care directly available in the oncology setting, not as a completely separate venture in a different location. A lot of patients, myself included, have a difficult enough time getting to their regular oncology appointments, much less a whole separate group of appointments with a mental health professional. I think it is also important to take a detailed mental health and trauma history on every cancer patient from the very beginning. You need to know what background you are dealing with even before the intense stress of cancer treatment begins. If a patient already has an extensive trauma or psychiatric history, they are a set up for post traumatic stress with cancer treatment. Maybe if you are able to highlight that risk ahead of time, the patient can already be directed into mental health treatment before the stress of cancer treatment takes root. It is also important to continue to monitor distress and stress as treatment is ongoing. Ongoing screening for distress is already a component of the National Comprehensive Cancer Network’s clinical practice guidelines. There are specific pathways for management of acute stress, traumatic stress, and adjustment disorders. I think this is the very checklist that I have to go through every time I go to the doctor’s office. I also have a list of mental health support resources, but they are in a different location than my doctor’s office and it is still up to me to seek them out and make arrangements.These checklists and protocols are great, but they mean nothing in the grand scheme if the availability and connectability of mental health treatment is not easily and readily available. I still feel like it would really be up to me to bring up if I am having any mental health issues when I truly think it is the doctor’s role to watch for these signs even before I would bring them up. As a cancer patient, your mind is whirling all the time. You really do need some one watching out for you to clarify some things that you cannot clarify for yourself as readily. I am not saying that cancer patients are all helpless or anything. I am just saying that we may need a little extra support or supervision than most with everything else going on that potentially distracts us from caring for ourselves. Post traumatic stress is real. Now that we can identify it, we need to get better at addressing it.

Dr. Katz

You know what? It IS partly up to me how I feel!

Ok what the heck do I mean by that? Let me explain. As you may or may not know, I have cancer right now. I am choosing to view it as only temporary. Nevertheless, it has kind of taken the reins of my life right now. I have moments of disappointment, anger, sadness, emotional turmoil, helplessness, etc. You name it …..all the bad feelings take turns at a moment’s notice sometimes. I am continuously searching for some kind of recognizable pattern to restore some predictability and order in my life. Needless to say, I have not been successful up until this point and that has only frustrated me more. The good news is that I finally have stopped desperately trying to grasp for routine and started rolling with the punches a bit more and it has actually helped. I finally took a step back and evaluated what actually makes me happy and feel good lately. It took some significant searching at first and then I realized that the answer was right in front of me: Me making the decision to be happy and feel good was the number one thing that helped me be happy and feel good! It sounds ridiculous at first. I get it. What I mean is that the more direct and conscious effort that I make to preserve my mental health gives me the most bang for my buck toward my overall health and well-being. The choices I make to stay happy, productive and help myself and others help me get through the bad times with the chemo and my treatment. I will grant you, there is nothing cheerful or happy running to the bathroom constantly, waiting for who knows what to happen, but when I keep my mind on a goal or something that I am working on or the fact that I WILL get through this, it actually helps a little. I am not implying in any way that the power of positive thinking will erase everything that is going on with my life and my body. I am simply saying that when it comes to choosing between overthinking, wallowing and perseverating on how bad things are versus trying to focus on or accomplish even just one small positive thing in a day, I am going to lean toward the positive. If nothing else, it allows me some small measure of control in a very out of control situation. Have a fantastic night everyone!

Dr. Katz